Guessaurus

Grounding Nomads (Without the animals)

2010-10-15T14:59:00.007-04:00

Sooo, it has been a couple of looong minutes since I wrote something here, or anywhere else come to think of it. Where I write, very few see, and where I see .. ok, it sounded good in my head. What has one been doing for the last, oh, lets see .. seven months since I was last here? Well, mainly being alive, I would think, considering I know a few humans who haven't (long story) but generally just being a pain in the arse for all those who come across the G.

The main culprit being The hub - seeing as it is 8 months tomorrow since we got married, I was thinking about the whole institution of marriage this morning while I got ready and I have to say, I am faring rather well, for a person who used to scoff at it like a dog does at something it wouldn't be caught dead eating, and trust me it has to be something rather .. . well .. unsavoury for a dog to scoff at - I grew up with dogs (not like that, damnit) and we all know there is little that dogs in Kenya will not eat - little.

So what is my secret to a happy 8 month long marriage, I asked myself at some oh-so-not-yet-alive-hour of this morning? It is simple really, I allowed myself to allow someone else to love me the way 'they' wanted to love me. Not how I wanted them to, not how 'it' is supposed to be done, how THEY knew how. And that, ladies and gents, is how.

Needless to say I have been in one (or ten) relationships before, some good, some downright unnecessary, some with savoury characters, some with some wholly unacceptable members of the human populace, and once, just once, I nearly had one with a member of the same sex as Sarah Palin (do not even start) - ok, so that was sex - but I reserve the right to confuse the boundaries. And I do suppose it all led me to this moment of clarity, when I realised that I really did not necessarily allow myself, or any of these poor excuses for relationships, to progress to a point where I, and I alone, let go of my preconceived notions that the idea that another person might just want to have some sort of companionship, and recreation sex (although sometimes I have to agree I was duped into wanting to procreate, but I caught it in time) without needing to wholly own me, control me, come closer (Ne-Yo song in my entry? Oh, dear!). Where was I? Yes, at some point in any relationship I would reach a point where I would be like: Shit, if I continue like this, they are going to move in their kitchen sink and I have to live with them forever and that will never happen. Squirrel!

I have no idea why, but after a few months (and/or sometimes dates) people would feel the need to move their beings and belongings into my abode, and forgive me for having some sort of male commitment phobia, but don't men panic so fast when you leave your toothbrush or 'forget' your panties in their house? Why then would a fully grown and functional (ok, this, I am telling myself, but the specimen might have to speak for themselves) human male do the same to me and expect me to ask him if he needs extra closet space? Maybe I was just being territorial, but even someone like me who suffers from chronic niceness syndrome wakes up one day and says f* this, I really dont want to see your ass in the morning again (yes, literally and figuratively) and make up a damn good excuse that sounds a tad more intelligent (and intelligible) than: It is not you, it is me (but which, truth be told, it was them - but in a reverse sort of twisted way, it really was me).

What is so special about this relationship then - cos it really is just a relationship but with the whole 'til death do us part' part attached to it - that I found myself willing to go the whole hog, as they say? I actually do not know. I have been with brilliant guys before, sexy guys before, genuine, dedicated, caring, loving, nurturing, smarty pants, pisstakingly stubborn, maddening, dead funny, cute guys who could cook better than your grandmother and all your aunts put together, clean to a fault, make you smile even when you really want to crawl into a corner and cry, actually make you cry and allow you to without any guilt, make you feel like you want to throw them through the window, only to realize that you aint that strong, actually allow you to push them off the bed to the floor and look on amazed as you laugh so hard that you cant breathe cos you think it is the funniest shit on the planet and then lovingly pick you off the floor and put you to bed because they are afraid that you are going to pass out with laughter, make love to you - fast, slow, lazy, energetic - actually let you take the presidential detail - you know, when you need to have a briefing and put in a jog at the same time, but make a last 100M sprint with fireworks? (I'll leave you to figure that one out) - do the marathon, a sprint, the relay or any combination thereof? A man who just makes it so easy to love them, so easy to allow you to allow them to love you?

Ok, so I haven't had one of these before - hence why I married him LOLOL.

Don't get me wrong, we do have the downside like in every relationship. If there was a stubbornness competition we would tie, taking the piss is de rigeur in our household - sometimes with undesirable results when you go too far, there is the ex-factor from both sides who wont give up the ghost, really! - even though both of them are in other relationships (I suppose it is hard to replace a good thing, no?). There is also the sometimes visible and audible cultural differences - cue stubbornness on either side, family (try getting married to an Italian family with a Matriach that dont take 'NO' as an option) - and the whole Black swagga thing thrown in the mix - among other things.

When two very strong personalities come together, there is bound to be fireworks, good and bad. We are learning to take that and use it to get a better hold of who we are when we are together, and apart, and give each other room to grow as part of a couple, and as separate entities too (Did someone actually pay me to say that shit, or did I just make it up myself?)

Anyway here is the deal - I am new at this, and so far so good. I think I am more amazed that I actually went through with it than anyone else, including The hub from The Hub or my family, who I think are still stuck at WTF happened? stage LOL.

But, the most amazing thing is that I actually got lucky enough to find someone like him in the first place, to get to know him, love him, and get married to him, and actually stay grounded long enough to allow him to show me what real love and commitment and all that goes with it is all about.

Better yet, I allowed myself to be loved like this! I may be a nomad without the animals, but I finally found my pasture!

Now that's What's Up?

And how have you been ;)

One Month Later ....

2010-03-16T19:00:00.003-04:00

An excerpt from the weekly handwritten letter that I receive from my brand spanking new husband, on our first month anniversary ..

I live to see your smile every day. Your soft, delicate, beautiful
Kenyan features, mixed with that British accent leaves me dumbstruck sometimes. I am like: This woman is not my wife, there has to be some mistake. I am so very
glad you fell in love with me, baby. I am going to give you my all. I will always be loyal to you, I will always respect you, I will always protect you and I will always Love you. There was always something about you, a strange sort of energy that drew me to you. I am not even going to try to figure it out. I know
one thing though .. I want to see the world with you, I want to feel my child
inside of you, I would love to grow old with you. I want to learn you, I want to
nurture you, I want to worship you as the love of my life, I want to bond with
you, I want us to keep pushing the envelope of our experiences together. I want
to make love to you mentally, emotionally, intellectually as well as physically.
I guess what I am trying to say is that I always want us to challenge one
another to be better than what we are. Complacency in a marriage can be fatal. I
love you for always poking at me. I love you for the fact that you make it your
business to learn my body language so well, and call me on it when words and deeds do not rhyme ....

I still maintain that I am the luckiest woman in the whole wide world.

Oi, Skipper - it might still be 51/49, but what is 51% of 51, eh? You do remember the saying: What is mine is mine, what is yours is ours!?

This past month married to you has been a dream - I wouldn't change it for the world, and I look forward to spending another whole lifetime of months with the most amazing person I have ever had the pleasure of knowing, loving, and getting married to.

All or nothing, mate!!
I LOVE YOU

Birth Day

2010-02-09T10:47:00.005-05:00

Ok, we still maintain that God has an absolutely wicked sense of humour, and that is just about the half of it. See, for someone who has been proudly proclaiming that “I don’t go to church for no particular reason” – I am finding myself finding my way in there every Sunday morning without fail for a while now – alone, with no ulterior motive that to be in there and listen and learn and worship and feel great (but don’t tell anyone) – oh, and the music is just miraculous. And to think that you would have to drag me screaming and shouting out of bed at any time before 1200hrs on the weekend – and here I am waking up at 0700hrs just so I don’t get late – wow, I am sure God just has a blast day on Sundays pointing and laughing at me. Ah, well!

I am also a walking cliché for ‘a series of unintended consequences’ in that more often that not, a cascade effect of my actions and/or omissions leave me either falling about laughing or just falling about – and no, I do not learn. Why try to do things differently when you can do the same thing over and over, and with no effort whatsoever on your part, get the same results, and blame it on ….? Ok, I suppose that doesn’t work.

So, here we are, on the anniversary of my birth, and other than a look on my face that says: I am ready for whatever; the day is just starting to look like “The best laid plans … and all that”. Started with impromptu song and dance from some colleagues (I always start worrying when people burst into song), I walk to the door and another colleague (whom I discovered a few days ago has a major crush on me (another story for another day) handed me a digital camera because I have been literally singing for my morning cup of coffee for it. I had no words – Cameras and I are anyone’s worst nightmare – cue taking pictures of all and sundry (and that is just the inanimate objects). Ever since my trusted Casio was nicked a few years back, I had refused to get myself one just to punish myself (yes, I know – Freud would have a field day with me) – but who says when someone else decides you deserve a present (or are tired of you literally stealing theirs on a daily basis), you still need to self-flagellate or something?

After that moment, my day cannot get better! - at least while I write this, my day is still getting better, so ignore that statement. And no, I will not tempt fate, seeing as that cliche up there still holds.

But, let us backtrack a little bit:

What would a G post be without:

a) It being a long ass-one

b) Having to go back to the beginning of whatever

c) Digressions that intertwine making the National Grid rethink its wiring? (hmm, figure that one out!)

a) has already been taken care of

b) That happened yesterday - oh, wait - it has been happening but culminated yesterday - and my brains and other faculties haven't yet dissected and/or digested the whole thing yet. Mental picture moment: A snake swallows some [holy] cow whole and is still trying to decide whether it was a clever idea to not take out the hooves and the hide and the halo (yes, as in holy cow??). Moving on (chuckles) ... I knew this was gonna be a 'straitjacket, padded room, horse tranquilizer' day .. never mind, it is my birthday after all... the powers that be started it!

After I moved here at the ass end of 2009, I was a bit 'fish out of water'ed about the whole area and people and I was not sure whether to make it a semi or permanent move - but like everything else, I tend to not balk down at a challenge, especially one that ends up with the statement: 'You could not hack it' - said silently with trepidation to self by self. Anyway, my relationship was on hold for personal and geographical considerations, my relationships with other people had all but disintegrated into little moments which necessitated me to take time out and reevaluate and rejuvenate self. A few weeks into it, a colleague asked me at a meeting whether I thought a particular gentleman was 'hot'. I, being of sound mind and aloof exterior, could not point out under a microscope which of the gentle and not so gentle men she was referring to, but I humoured her and said something that sounded like I was choking LOL. See, if we backtrack a teeny little bit more, we might find that said female human had expressed an interest that I was unable, unwilling and/or unprepared to meet - and I had a feeling she was trying to suss out which team(s) that I might be so inclined to bat for. Self was not inclined to either entertain or accommodate said musings, so the issue was frozen, or so I thought.

Side note: Said gentle man was indeed 'hot' - very! But, self preservation dictates that whenever you are in a new environment, casing the joint does not necessarily mean zeroing in on the most gorgeous man in the room and making your presence and/or interest or lack thereof felt.

About a month later, the dog incident occurs (long story which involves me and gentle man ending up looking at the same thing with a dog attached and drawing the same conclusion, and the moment he said it, I burst out laughing and the ice was broken - poor canine - she still gets the blame for putting us together, I tell ya) and the rest is history. But from that moment on, I always felt like a teenager (and hopefully, but not definitely, not acting like one), waiting for that tiny moment where I can sidle up to him and say a few words, where he can surreptitiously give me a good morning hug, when he sometimes sits a few chairs down from me when we have a morning meeting, whispered questions with double entendre attached, long words that I write on chewing gum wrapper and pass to him and marvel when he Googles them on the sly so he can then whisper to me 'Can you use that in a sentence?'

The Chemistry between us was uncanny - the electricity palpable. I can 'feel' him when he is around without seeing him - it is like this pull he has - I tend to call it 'Radar'. His mates tell him often that 'The two of you should stop doing that thing you do (I have no idea what they are talking about), which makes the rest of the room feel like there are only the two of you in it'. Poor souls.

Very long story dissected into not a very bite size portion, after spending time with the most amazingly smart, annoyingly handsome, gentle, loving, giving, sexy, passionate, history-bursting, rock music listening, poem writing, agnostic confessed, multiple-book reading human male - we had some semblance of 'the' talk yesterday - which included somewhere there me giving him the essence of one G. In the process, while we knew that our lives have taken similar paths, and that a series of unintended consequences had led us to being in this Antarctican hood at this time and meeting one another and even .. ... well, falling mercilessly in love with one another - he turned around after lunch and asked me to marry him. I know, I know - has he any idea what he is getting himself into?

Do I?

And, well, I never said I do anything the easy way, did I?

So I said YES!

Within moments, his best mate came by and M told him - his mate couldn't believe it and he goes: "You better not be kidding me cos I have prayed for this moment ever since you guys met - you are making an old man of God very proud and happy". Told ya, that man God is sure shrewd in his wisdom!

What a bloody marvelous birthday present, eh?

I know that nothing is certain in this life, and that God is sitting around scratching his scraggy beard smiling like an indulgent Father, because even if I somehow saw this one coming from a mile off, it still threw me a curve, and I had that adrenalin rush moment where I thought: 'What the f* have I done?' - but I know that if anything, I want to spend those uncertain moments, the certain ones, the unbelievably hilarious ones, the ones where he looks at me and all thought freezes, the sad ones, the cute ones and all the others, especially where wit is pitted against wit (that which is lost in translation (English v. American) notwithstanding), learning him and with him and for him and by him.

(It is OK, you can put the puke bags down now)

And as I sit here typing this, he is sitting over there looking at me waiting to go out for lunch - and as with the first time I spoke to him, I still feel like that teenager who is waiting for the most gorgeous guy in school to come over and say hello to her.

Happy Birthday to me!

Verisimilitude

2010-01-22T10:49:00.005-05:00

They say that God has a wicked sense of humour, and I am Testament to said. (“The Gospel according to G" has a nice ring to it, No?)

Picture this: It is not bad enough that I am confused to the nth term, but He deems it necessary to put a spanner (or two, or three) in the works by poking me (literally and figuratively) in so many places I feel like a walking pin cushion.

We are talking about buses – you know, them boxy things that you are supposed to be waiting for, and that, after waiting for one for so long, three come along at once? Yeah, them!

Case in point:

Bus Number One: Came at an inopportune moment – had been waiting for one and since I had been standing outside exposed to the elements, I decided to take it, not knowing that it wasn’t exactly headed in the same destination as I was, but willingly taking it nonetheless. A couple of stops later, the deviation came and I had to gracefully hop off. We might have to reconnect sometime later along the way but for now I am exposed to the elements again.

Hence, Bus Number Two: Right at the time when I disembarked number one, two was kinda hovering in the peripherals, but it did not look like it was picking up passengers (or I was rather not looking to be hopping on it, yet), so it kinda hang around revving its engines which while ignoring the noise, I was perpetually amused to find that it considered the racket annoying enough for me to either say f* it and hop on or just keep walking.

Funnily enough, it was one of those buses that coast alongside with the premise that it is not going to be waiting forever, but at the same time giving you infinite moments to change your mind and get on. I decided to concede defeat not so much as get on but walk alongside it for a while until the route number that I desired came along, or (I stupidly surmised) I might get to my destination without necessarily committing (or is it commuting?) to, or paying for, the ride, but having the company to my destination. What a load of .. .er.. passengers!

It is on my ‘not really in the bus, but not necessarily in the ‘hail and ride’ sidewalk either’ routine that Bus Number Three slowed up alongside. It had all the markings of the right route number for my destination, or at least heading that way, but from my view of it, had no available seating. While not giving it a wide berth, I decided to ‘sniff a little, without marking my territory’ to find out whether any passengers might be dislodging halfway through the journey, thence giving me a seat on this, to my perspicacity, a highly desirable option. I did get close enough to get seared by the engine, and I may be running the risk of having my toes run over (or put another way, the reverse is true :D), but in my four year old voice: I am so excited

Not to add more poking into this keg of works (mixed metaphors notwithstanding), another bus that I had considered much earlier but might chalk down to a sort of fugue state (that is my story and I am sticking to it), somehow found its way (without, of course, any directional mikes from yours truly whatsoever – What?) to where I was mixing my metaphors, and rides, and routes, and buses – with what they call in some circles ‘an offer you cannot refuse’!. It might be safe to add at this juncture that that ‘offer’ has been tabled before, with a look that most people who have been offered the same gig might or might not feel the need to cart one ‘offee’ to a place where a ‘safe, sterile, padded room, straight jacket an option’ might be de rigueur, but hey, ‘fugue’ is the word of the moment – learn it – especially its Latin persuasion.

TGIF

I get a two day grace period – a visit to ‘A Church’ is required – ‘Gospel according to Sod’ will have to find another sodding puppet to string in its wake (I do crack myself up endlessly)!

AOB:

AAE: 'Anal About English' jaunts: What would you call a person who murders another person for murdering language?
Whatever it is, I am it!

Phrase of the day: .... The Precedessors that came before me! - as opposed to??

Lookup (Literally): Decimal.Incentive.Latin

Adap[s]tation

2009-12-31T09:30:00.008-05:00

Def:

Any alteration in the structure or function of an organism or any of its parts that results from natural selection and by which the organism becomes better fitted to survive and multiply in its environment.

Another year is over (No S* Sherlock?) and all I can show for it is not what I thought I would show for it this time last year. I have tried to adapt to a lot of different situations that seem to arise with an uncanny frequency, much to my chagrin (and grins too). I still jaywalk around with an amused look on my face because, like I always say, humans are a comic relief all by themselves just by being .. well .. beings.

I have much to adapt to this coming year - (including but not limited to):

- Proscribe people that do not necessarily fit in with the metamorphosis

- Accept: - that he is gone for good - but not in my heart, mind, memories, emotions, love, prayers. We had just been lent him for a short while to teach us - me - that not everything is forever.

Some say it wasn't worth the things we went through
I say it wasn't worth losing you
I hope you know how much you changed my life
Some day you will see
If only through heaven's eyes

You taught me how it really feels to lose someone, how it hurts, how there is no reset button, no do-over, no sorry, no excuse me, no second chance, no 'my bad' - that gone is gone. I am really sorry and I will love you till we meet again - and then we will have our forever.

On a lighter note, Cutinator turned two, and decided that "I will be right back" is his way of telling you that he needs 'his space' - damnation, he is only two! Oh, and he says 'Thank You' when you hand him something. Tihi. I appreciate him a lot more now than before, after the fact.

My relationship with a lot of people has gone to the dogs, but my relationship with God has taken precedent over everything else. I am learning humility and gratitude in a new level - clear eyed and minded. I am also learning to say 'F* You' - tihi - Who said that I couldn't swear? Eh? Not as cute as I seem! :D.

I am loved by a very special cadre of people, and for that I am really grateful - and I love you back. Your motives may not necessarily be kosher (lol), and we may bang heads more than we bang lips, but hey, I never commissioned for the perfection matching band, or non-matching band, or jaywalking band, or any other motion and/or motionless band whatsoever. I do me, and sometimes let [you] - (singular), do me - but ain't no fakery out here in G's Land.

And, I am entering 2010 in the best physical and emotional and spiritual shape I have been in ever. I have never felt healthier, fitter, sexier (ok, a female colleague hitting on me relentlessly kinda makes me wanna erase that last one), happier, content, focused, ready for whatever. Although, having said that, there is something that I am embarking on in a week or so that may or may not need me to invest in an ejection seat - anyone know of any Typhoon I can borrow for a while? - might be needed cos damn, someone is digging, and trust me, the hole will be oh soooo deep they ain't gonna be exhumable any time soon (parachute to jump in (instead of out-of) said hole notwithstanding!) Damn.

Needless to say, A blessed New Year to everyone - big and small (wasn't that one person once?)

Love from the Antarctica - see you on the other side!

Oh, Baby

2009-11-03T23:02:00.003-05:00

Sometimes I think I have something to write, then find out that what I had thought to write was not worth the paper (and/or screen) it is printed on. And not forgetting that Brother Outlaw gone done and kilt my laptop DED, well, things aren't looking too hot right now, and that is not in reference to the weather. I keep forgetting to log the shenanigans of one 'Cutified', who at 22 months has become a dashing young man with a mouth full of teeth and a vocabularly that rivals anyone else his age. Today I went over, and on knocking on the door, he came over, and through the glass door called out: Hi baby! LOL - dude, you are the baby!

But, when I am not happily getting up to all sorts, I read. And it is in my passion for reading that I got met by one very cool human. It was inadvertent on my part, seeing I was too busy rushing home to read my 50c copy of 'Smiley's People' (if you do not know about this book, then you do not need to know about it :) ) and this man sidles up to me outside the book store and asks something unintelligible to my almost always two steps ahead brain. My inward reaction was: 'Why do strangers always insist on picking me to accost?' - One person told me sometime back that I should not complain too much cos there will come a time when no one will look at me twice! Bring it on!

I turn and look at him and beg pardon, he chuckles (you should hear him chuckle) and he says something about noticing me inside and wanted to say hello. By now my interest is about a block away, and he starts making conversation, noticing he has already lost me he goes 'Sasa' - LOL I nearly fell over the curbside. My interest hastily crosses the street and decides to come have a second look. I raise my eyebrow (one) to high heaven (the Rock has nothing on me) and ask what made him think I was Kenyan. His answer: Only a Kenyan woman would look as beautiful as you do!

We chitchat a little - me giving him the Spanish inquisition - and find he is not your average garden variety raised on CNN and FOX American human. He did sound quite intelligent, charming, genuine with his answers with no airs or graces. Oh, and while we were looking, he was quite cute - dark hair, hazel eyes (the most beautiful hazel eyes you will ever see), nice 'I work out often' physique, and a nice smile. Oh and who can beat an admixture of Italian and Irish, eh?

We went on our first 'date' the following day - 'just to get to know each other' - cos I did insist that my life is complicated enough without adding any more humans into the mix - and he was like: This is not a date. Liar! Couple of glasses of Champagne and a great conversation later, we found out that we had so much in common it was incredulous. We even graduated in the same year with the same degree two continents apart - loved the same subjects, hated similar ones (although dude does code, ouch) among other things. Since then we literally became inseparable.

It is just weird though cos from the beginning it was like we had known each other for a long time, like great friends with great chemistry. There has never been an awkward silence or moment between us, and the worst part is we will be having a conversation and when something is at the tip of your tongue and you cant really get to it, then we leave it and then sometime later, even in the middle of the night, one of us will wake up and say it, and the other will be like: Yeah, that's it! - like the conversation was still going on.

He made me swim in the Ocean in the Summer (and I did get dunked, twice - not fair! - he laughed so hard that I had to beat him up while he was still trying to rescue my sorry dunked ass), made me crawl into (dark) caves even though he knows I am afraid of the dark (he says that if I live my life in fear, then I will never live at all - true), made me eat Lobster - ok, 'fed' me lobster - I don't care what anyone says, seeing those crustaceans in a display case is enough to make me go on a hunger strike - but they did taste good (shrug). Tried to get me to touch a snake (not gonna happen) - and a lot of other things that are either too trivial or not printable here for obvious reasons!

It is in the way he looks at me - with pride and admiration (he once told me when I was walking towards him that it is because he cannot believe that I am going to him), like today lunchtime I was running an errand and so was he, but we hadn't spoken for a few days and I am 'jaywalking' LOL, my trademark 'the world does not exist', when I happen to turn and there he was, stuck in traffic, looking at me with 'that look' and a huge grin on his face. Needless to say I had to go get my obligatory hug and kiss in the middle of traffic before going back to work: Bliss!

Or the way his signature greeting is: Hi Beautiful. LOL. I ain't vain but damn, I know he means it when he says it!
Or the fact that whenever he say 'hullo' in his Bostonian accent, a shiver runs through my body, however many hundreds of times he has said it to me!
Or how we fit together like we were molded for each other. Some people are born, others are made. I know what mold I come from.
Or how those hazel eyes flicker from whatever he is concentrating on to me and back before you can say: Eagle eyes! I will be looking at him while he is sleeping, and he can sense it, so he will open his eyes, give me a quick look, chuckle, and go right back to sleep.
Or when he gets me water: I know that sounds trivial but when someone gets up at night to get you a glass of water, or first thing in the morning before making you breakfast - that has got to mean something. Oh and while we are at it, I get told that G, when someone says 'breakfast in bed' they mean you need to stay in bed. LOL

He has changed my perspective on a lot of things that I never even thought about or thought were important. He definitely has restored my faith in the 'good man' perspective because whatever I do, however stubborn or sometimes selfish I become, whenever I am performing below par when it comes to our relationship or life in general, he never wavers in his love and support, even when he says he needs to take a few days off to sort his view, he still takes time to call and check on me.

Wherever this goes, it will go down as one of the relationships that shaped the rest of my life.

I Love You Baby
Thank You for making me strive to be a better person

EEVa

2009-06-05T01:52:00.003-04:00

I do not need to deal with 700yrs of 'human garbage' to get to my 'Prince[ss]' - but the fact so much does mirror the fiction.

Earth [Pointing]
This is 'Home'

Shade

2009-04-26T19:29:00.003-04:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a-7DBJfvnHE

It has been an unbelievable three weeks of my life. I have cried - seriously- without any guilt attached to it, for the longest time. Cutified looks at me funny and pokes at my eyes cos he is used to them being so red that he is not sure white (or somesuch colour) is natural. Poor 51/2 tooth.

DABDA (Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance) doesn't work for me. I only did Anger, Anger, Anger, Depression, and Anger. I know it is early days yet, but heck, I am yet to talk to God - and trust me, blasphemy notwithstanding, this is not gonna be pretty. He and I have a bone to chew - and it ought not to be one that has a modicum of cannibalism attached to it. I did mention anger about 4/5 times, no?

The only Saving Grace has been the incredible 'D' daunting a 3 continent jaunt to get his pretty behind over here so he can give me that 'almighty' signature 'hug' cos he couldn't let me go through something like this without talking to me f2f, but unfortunatemently, I did let him know beforehand that we weren't gonna talk about my dead nephew for God or Country - and he is prone to loyalties - oh, and Royalty; if I were to go down that route - so we were on the same page on that. He commandeered my presence for 24hrs so he can 'pamper' me and get my mind off things - which was not an easy feat to accomplish - and yes, we did it - albeit with a detour to a teary mention - including his 'he has gone to a better place' gaffe that elicited a 'who the 'F' decided he needed to be anywhere else but here - (and who the heck knows whether there is anything out there that he is going be safer in but with what he had here (unvoiced, I should add)).''

He understands 'Merican' better than I am liable to admit.
I, on the other hand, is liable to botch my way through this one
I speak English - take the first shot if you are so inclined
Hands up; I take the piss any chance I get (Literally and figuratively :) )

Anger
I has it
In shades of gray

Over to you
ALMIGHTY

Broken Wings

2009-04-16T18:46:00.002-04:00

Take
These broken wings ..
And learn to fly again

(This has taken me days to even think of writing, but, lets proceed .. )

This song is the first thing I thought about when I first let myself think about the fact that you were never going to go: 'Auntie, unajua this and that - lets go find it' - or you wanted me to hang with your friends in a club cos you thought I was the 'coolest' human in our family. Or you wanted to permanently borrow something I owned. Oh, it wasn't borrow, it was 'part of family property to be appropriated at will'. Or when you wanted to show off how cool you were for my 'impression'. Or when ....

You stuck to me like glue whenever I came home - you stuck to me like glue when you were a kid - I was a kid too, but taxed with looking after you cos -- well, I could. Then I went away, and came back to find a man - or rather a man-boy. You always tried to act like you were responsible for my safety or my entertainment or just so you can hang out with me and avoid being given stuff to do.

I may or may not have told you how proud I was for the person you were - you looked after mum - and dad - outside of their kids' presence. You were responsible, but still wanted to be a kid. Wanted to be treated like one when the moment called for it. I know cos I want to be treated like a daughter or a sister sometimes instead of the parent or the 'responsible one'. So we shared that, among other things.

Now, I will never see you again. Ever.
They put you to your resting place yesterday
And I do not even know when the tears are likely to stop
If ever.

Thinking about you dead is probably the hardest thing I ever had to do
Thinking about you in a box, six feet under, is unbearable
This is absolutely the most awful thing that I do not know how to deal with

I will see you again, pal (Thanks for the other night)
I love you forever, Waweru
Now I can never look at my surname the same way again
So sorry to your mum and sister - they are braver than I would know what to do with

(Thank you everyone who sent their condolences - I am sorry that I shut down there for a moment, it is hard as hell, and I am trying - don't give up on me yet)

Did they jump .. or were they pushed?

2009-01-09T01:46:00.000-05:00

2009 is here. I have to admit I am glad 2008 is gone - not for any particular reason but I am a happy camper when I encounter new things - and this is one of them. Like everyone else, I sometimes like to revel in old things and surroundings - and sometimes like to immerse myself into the unknown and see how things unravel - much like jump into the deep end and either hold my breath and float, or not, and still float (well, ..some .. or it is ..sam?) :D

I have been a rather annoying 'port (not sure whether I am an 'im' or 'ex'), I have to admit, and I am surprised people still talk to me at all. Notwithstanding the fact that Americans take the whole ''Freedom' .... of Speech' rather literally ....

... let me give you an example

You meet a human through a previously known human (sex not an issue - sorry, I meant gender - but you knew that already, right? Right?). For an insane moment in time you agree to give them your number. And before you can say: 'Do not call me between the hours of 0700 and 0700', they have your phone ringing off the hook - oh and a text message inbetween asking you why you aint picking up your phone. Damn, people. Which part of the constitution detailed that just because you have the 'Free' to speak, means the other person loses their 'Free' to not speak (especially to you)? The part in my constitution that stipulated that I choose who to speak to, when, why or why not, and the part that instituted that the 'Reject' button on the phone is not custom made, or that 'VoiceMail' is really a foreign concept designed by the Europeans to confuse 'the 'Mericans' into thinking that they are speaking to the real owner of that line ..... And do we really have to go into the 'Emergency Services? This is not it'! Routine?

.. I did mention that I have no idea why anyone speaks to me anymore?

Of those annoying traits is the fact that I love English, and I love playing with words - writing them, talking, listening - and the worst part - the most annoying part - is that I hate it when people misuse the spoken and/or written word. Living in America, as in England - you find that if you grew up learning English as a second (or other consecutive) language, you speak it better than the natives (accents notwithstanding), and you write it better (could someone please declare a moratorium on mixing lower and upper cases IN BETweEN WoRds (looks worse handwritten), before I go half crazy and start shouting at 'everyone'? (And do not start me on spelling, we will be here till New Year's Day, 2012).
Even my own mother called my sister today after calling me a few times and told her to tell me that I need to call home, cos I no longer answer my phone. Crap - someone is in trouble? Moi? Nah, I can slither my way out of that one double-quick. Oh, and did I mention that my sister sent me a text cos I didn't answer the phone when she called?

Why do I not answer my phone anymore, you politely inquire?
It is because, unlike heeding my own advice and not using 2 words when 200 can do the most damage, most people try to stretch imparting information to delivering a sermon - and I sure as hell aint the most patient person on the planet, so I prefer to deal with voicemail, or text message - or neither - and/or both - depending on who is imparting this wisdom. And please God, do not let the person phoning be one of those that called to 'say hi' and ended up leaving a five minute voicemail that told me zilch about why they wanted to inquire about my hale and hearty condition. I easily find myself listening to the first 3 words of a voicemail and deleting the offending thing - and then having to - yes, sometimes - tell the offender that I did not actually listen to the whole thing owing to the fact that 'I got bored'. How not nice of me?

I unhappily had to esplain to brother outlaw the other night that 'human things are uninteresting sometimes' - when he hopefully inquired about my 'not very enthusiastic' take on marriage and/or kids. He pointed out that his own sprog - the absolutely incredible and Cutified 'still 4 toothed' humanoid was my favourite person on the planet, and that 'he loves you more than anything else, he stops doing everything when you walk into a room and runs into your arms, how can you not want one of those by now'?

I am good with kids - actually I am good with big people too (has been said) - I just need more downtime than uptime oftentimes with them. I am still my daddy's daughter, I cannot help it. What is even scarier is that I 'always' find people that will do anything to be in my company - and I currently have one that has applied (even to the family) to occupy that position on a permanent basis. I remember looking at him and going: 'Crap, I promised myself not to use the word 'Crap' again in 2009, but I already exhaused my quota for this side of '200?'. I am sure there are more memorable reactions to such utterances than: Me? You sure? Brother Outlaw went: At least you didn't leave the room and run out on him. My reply: I thought it was amusing. He shook his head and told me that he knows I am crazy like that.

Needless to say, I am still musing over the whole amusing thing, albeit with a 'scratching head' acknowledgement that I saw this one coming from the get to, and yes, I am guilty as sin in a confessional. Speaking of confessionals, when is the last time I did a penance? An official one? A 'Catholic Church' sanctioned one!? Was that not at a wedding where .... Oh Crap, here we go!

I cannot promise to stop making up words, and/or phrases in the English Language:

Sneek Preview:

Reciprocal Shutdown: When I have ignored (or not answered for good reasons, I swurr ....) comms and when I get in touch, the other party does a 'Love Lockdown' on my sorry behind. Tres amusement. You know yourselves, fess up or I am reciprocating the ...
Idiosynchronicity: Do we need to define this one? Ok ok! When a person I know displays idiotic or moronic (Oi, quiet over there) behaviour, and then you meet their friend, colleague, relation or otherwise and they just exhibit similar or worse idiotic tendencies??

Free words of the week (and I should take heed)
Incuriosity: (use extensively when dealing with mortals, trust me, you is amissing nothing)
Juvenility: (stay away from said, unless you's I, and reciprocal shutdown doesnt cut the mustard).

Now, off to phone mummy - there is only enough 'RS' - or should that read 'BS'? - that one should allocate to dealing with one's own Mater - segued (I do so love that one) in one's lifetime - without going overboard and ending up as floatsam.

Happy Birthday '4 tooth'

2008-12-21T01:03:00.003-05:00

Damn, a year is a short time - you woke up this morning and we had to fight between who had to drink the tea, which, by your declaration, was 'whi' hot. You had woken me up by calling out loud 'tata tata' until I gave up on trying to pretend that I was sleeping through the almighty racket. You have agreed to keep your shoes on, and have learnt to eat things in smaller bites (while not entirely chewing your little fingers off). You think every phone belongs to you, woe unto anyone who thinks that the call actually is for them. You are becoming naughtier by the minute, because you know you are adored adoringly - and that you can get away with 'a whole lot' if that 'boot camp'er' doesn't quarantine both your ass and the rest of humanity for a very long time.

I love you to bits Cutified, and cannot think of my world without you in it
The morning racket we make which wakes everyone
The quick goodnight kisses that makes 'Mrs D' go ballistic cos I woke you
The way you know I am in the room even when I tiptoe and hold my breath - and you jerk your head and give an almighty grin
The kisses - oh them sloppy, drooly, nibblely kisses
Your cutest little face, with its '4 tooth' and big brilliant smile
Are worth all what we have all gone through this year

Dance, baby, dance - oh and while we are at it, lose the chicken dance - it is embarrassing even if you are just One year old.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V1IowUGTHDk

AOB: 1. Crap Def: 2008 - Good riddance, although there were riproariously funny moments - but they were few and far between.
2. In Decent Proposal(s) Def: Might denote a marriage proposal, and/or a nomadic existence exemplified by 'an offer you cannot refuse'. Might also ease the feeling that AOB:1, above, needs to be quantified.

Quote of the Year: (not verbatim, mind)..'People are too picky these days - Too fat, too skinny, too tall, too short ... - have a couple of drinks and quit discriminating - Ludacris - One more drink. That line literally has me falling over laughing when I hear it, makes my day - damn man, who you talking to?

Happy 'Whatever it is that the holidays denote for you, including a very 'Live your life' 2009' to all of you.

Nomadic and/or AWOL'd existence in resumption

De-hibernation

2008-10-17T13:58:00.002-04:00

I have been weaning myself off of the internet and television - and that has been an eye-opener. Not only have I been reading books that I would otherwise not have read with other distractions, I have also found other ways to spend my free time - constructively.

With that has come some blessings in disguise - or as someone put it, you are a very lucky gal indeed. I always knew that when the time came, it would hit me like an avalanche, and I will be sitting around going: What was that? And I am not sure that would be before or after I have been unearthed from my surreal existence.

See, they say 'the best laid plans ... and all that'. Well, sometimes you have to not make any plans and let fate, God, or whatever other forces in existence take their hit and see what comes out the other end. I am still half-laughing, half-shaking head, half-worried, (are those too many halves? - ah, well), but all in all I am amused, amazed, amalgamated - and to make matters worse, I am actually, seriously, funnily enough, all for it. Jesus God, what in the world is happening to me.

They also say that 'just because things are working well, you should not get too comfortable because they can change in a heartbeat'. I have seen that in action more often than I care to enumerate - and in most cases the changes, though unexpected, have been positive (although we all know a phone call can extinguish bliss faster than a blizzard). The negative ones I tend to let slide cos there is not enough space in my heart/soul/life/patience to accommodate negativity or hatred or bitterness so I move on to other things (oh and people too). They also did say something about 'the best way to get over one person is to get under another' (not literally, mind - but the sentiment stands).

I am continuously amazed at how someone subsisting on less than two hours of sleep a night (most of this confounded by pain so ... well .. painful that I walk around the house at ungodly hours just to escape the bed (and for someone who uses the tag: will sleep for food - this is really really bad)) because of a stupidly trapped nerve on my right foot (no, I dont know how that happened either, and neither do the doctors) can have a mischievous smile on their face every day, have a sunny disposition and actually enjoy spending days (and nights) with other people without actually turning into a vegetable or some sort of nearly ripened fruit :(.

But then God, in his eternal wisdom - did send me a guardian angel, one which I at first took for granted because 'I already have enough friends'. Then, when I thought that life couldn't get less fair to me, He pointed at the guardian angel and went 'walk that way, young one; he will take care of you'. And the rest, as they say, is history. Funny though since I accepted that part of fate/God's plan or whatever was working, things have improved exponentially, and although I cannot point at guardian angel and say he is the root cause of my improved patience, motivation, outlook, bonhomie et al, I can happily say that the change I see within myself is a reflection of what is rubbing off on spending waaaayyyy too much time with someone who is always positive, always caring, generous to a fault, happy, good in all the right ways, motivated, hardworking, focused, brilliant - with a simplicity born of being confident in themselves and how the world pertains to who they are. Someone who does not need to please anyone to fit in, someone who doesn't need to conform to any stereotype, to any class, to any expectations of the norm to define themselves. I am awed sometimes - ok, I give, oftentimes - with his patience, that I feel like I am a spoilt brat (which I seriously am, and he is making it worse by the day) - but then I make an effort to keep in step with him so as not to fall back to old habits and deeds that saw me free-falling into an abyss - or the purgatory that is 'friendship' - or as I call it 'fried sheep'.

Ah, the best laid plans come to the fore again. I am not making plans, I am not raising a timetable, I am not issuing demands or expectations. I will ride the tide, I will peacefully make my way down to the end of the runway, I will turn on the engines full-throttle, rev them a little bit for posterity, and then engage the after-burners and ..... well, after lift-off, 'we' will be off to the ether where 'we' will have carte blanche to mould this life into what we want it to be.

God Help Me, Amen
PS: Who knew?

AOB: Love and all the best to the very special M (and his Bride) on this joyous occassion. Be blessed people, you are loved. I am waaaayyy over here taking notes, knowwhatimean? :D

Skunkalous

2008-08-21T00:46:00.003-04:00

First things first: Cutified is 8 months old today - yaaaay!
And you know that comes with all sorts off .. well, stuff.

Bitings/sucky kissing/'practicing of teeth' LOL
Scratchings
Everything taller than him being a 'prop'
Crawling/scooting all over the place
Dragging along everything
Eating of phone and other apparatus
Correct [mis]use of phone and remote controls
Opening of drawers and all other things
Slipping out of bed/car seat/sofa/lap with no regard to how far down the ground is
Noise making - even in Church
... the list is endless

But, I don't think I would ever love him any more than I already do if there were space for it - which there ain't. I hear that restraining order is awaiting a signature.

Onto other things:

I was at work yesterday doing what work does. Then I started to smell something funny, and I am thinking: 'Are maintenance spraying some sort of air freshener/disinfectant etc through the A/C while we are here - can they not wait?' And knowing that I have had the seasonal allergies all out in force I was not amused. Then the smell grew stronger and I turned to a colleague - who gave me this really amused look and went: 'It is a skunk spraying its stuff outside'. You what?
After that moment everything went downhill, fast. You couldn't go outside cos, well, it was coming from there. With watery eyes due to both laughing myself hoarse and the smell tearing my eyes, the rest of the remaining hour and a half was spent in equal measures of Laugh out loud incredulity and nose holdingingly hilarious disbelief. I get home and recount the story to my sister, who joined me in laughter till we woke the baby. Apparently skunkfarts are a common occurrence here. I am not sure what to make of that. Oh dear!

Speaking of laughter, this morning while we were getting ready to go to work, we found there was no water. Yep, the people that dig up roads that have nothing wrong with them for the best part of a year now had decided that at that part of the morning, we did not need to wash our selves or others or cook, clean or otherwise. So, seeing as sometimes it is a good idea to skip work for all sorts of reasons big and small - we sat down to have breakfast and chat. Apropos of nothing, I caught something on CNN, a phrase: ... think outside the box. Now, you and I know what that means, and if you do not know, then you do really need to think outside the box, but do people really need to overuse it until it loses the 'meaning' meaning? So I turn to my sister and go: "That phrase drives me crazy, especially when the user thinks they are so smart and smug. They should find the person who coined it, put him in a box, preferably on a ratio of 1:2, seal it airtight, and ask him to think outside the box". That got a good amount of gigglement out of the two of us. But before that could subside, I then shook my head and went: 'What about the one where people tell you to push the envelope, what do you think?'. I think the Weetabix of the morning must have gone down the wrong way, cos internal combustion is all I got for an answer. They should be pushed out of a ... ah, I gave up. Needless to say, flow (of water and coherency) was restored not many moments later, and seeing as between the two of us timekeeping is a foreign concept, we had to race each other to see who got into work late. Neither of us did - but I do not remember having a 3.5minute shower before.

AOB:

My silence
Ain't acquiescence
Just absence
Of your sense

One Fagless Year Later

2008-08-18T01:11:00.003-04:00

This time last year, I quit smoking. Cold Turkey.
After two years, I just tried to smoke one day and couldn't inhale so I threw the pack (which was full) and the lighter away. I still can never tell why I started in the first place - bad influence I suppose - or why I stopped. But I am glad I did.

Do I miss it? Sometimes I wish I still smoked - sometimes I see someone smoking and wish I still did, but I have never so far as tried to buy or borrow (or steal) a cigarette so I suppose that is a good thing. The Gorgeous One smokes - not often, like one a day - and not a full one, either - and I go outside with him to smoke it, but I have never been tempted to take one for myself. I suppose its because I was never a smoker to begin with - just a faker LOL.

When we first started going out, he told me that it would be healthy for me if I smoked once in a while - I didnt get the logic behind it or where he got the information - but that if you once smoked, you should do it like that instead of cold turkey. Me, no way - I know how it would feel, that first hit that makes things hazy, makes you feel lightheaded and sick - and you know you gotta smoke two so you can cancel that sickening feeling? I used to not smoke for like two days - and then I would find a reason to smoke - and I never looked forward to that first hit, and I know that I would never just smoke one fag a day or something - once I get used to the taste and smell I would lapse back. This I am afraid is it for me.

I do not mind that he smokes - it doesn't bother me, although when we started dating he said he would stop if it bothered me. But then I used the logic that when I used to smoke, hiM over there didn't like it one bit - and always complained and asked me to quit - and so did a few other people - but I never paid him any mind, and continued. This is my apology to you - I know it bothered you and I suppose that was that selfish part of me that did not consider how you felt.
I can imagine kissing a smoker - I do it now, but in your case it mustn't have been all that pleasant. *chuckling a little*

As for the Gorgeous One, he has promised to quit - and since he is out of state for a while, I don't know if he already has - will remember to ask. But he is very determined in everything he does so I am sure this one will be a success too.

In the meantime, I do not even care if he smokes a pack a day - I just want him to come home cos I miss his Gorgeous self like mad. Singing to me over the phone in that extra-sexy voice will have to suffice, but it is making things harder.

Stalkerish Behaviour (Revisited)

2008-07-31T02:09:00.005-04:00

Stalker Dude is at it again - even after ignoring him for a month plus change, he did not even give up. Had to even do international dialling code and s*** - saying stuff like 'London is not the same without you, I wish you agreed to come with me'. Seriously, I am thinking of restraining orders of the telephone, email and text message persuasion - oh, and flights too, if I may add.

To add insult to injury, he had the audacity to act all prissy and all when he got back, and after harassing my siblings (yes, after 3 whole years, dude still has my siblings' cell phone numbers and land line - who keeps that stuff after having broken up with someone for 3 yrs?) forever, writing me numerous emails, sending text messages and calling twice a day - saying that I didn't return his phone calls and that he was upset with me.

So the other night, I was feeling in a generous mood, so decided that after the third phone call of the day, I would answer and get this mess over with. Yeah, I know, my middle name is procrastinator - and I knew that the reason I refused to answer or reply was because I didnt want to have 'this' conversation. And, taking the bull by the horns, answering I did. And Guess what? EEeeeeerrrrrrr ... dude was rather upset. Annnndddd Guess what again? I was laughing so hard (inside) that I was internally combusting - which is my way of not probably walking through the wireless network and executing a human or two. But I am a lover, not a fighter.

After the usual pleasantries in a rather cool, calm, precise, very English voice (him), and my being addressed by my first name (normally it is Princess - LOL), I knew my work was cut out for me. Even in this summer heat, thawing a human or two was going to take some time. But I am not normally fazed by people who feel the need to get upset with me - and that day was no exception. I put on my best 'bullshitting outfit' - which, of course, I do not own - and to which one would have to be dumb to believe any 'bullshit' I was serving that day - I am never winning any Oscars - he proceeded to tell me how worried he had been about me, wondering if I was ill, or had moved to another continent (again, sigh) - to which I replied that if anything had happened to me, didnt he think that he would have found out from my sisters, seeing as he has been harassing them on the regular about my whereabouts - and mortality? Ha, there!

I have no idea why I do this - mainly when someone is giving me the third degree, I normally switch off - first off, to give them the feeling that they are important (or rather not, but they dont know that), second, because I want to get it over with so we don't have to do this again (and not because I give two hoots what the heck it is you are talking about), third, so I can inwardly laugh at the sort of crap people feel the need to spew to show how self-important they are compared to you, fourth, well, let us just say my mind jaywalks out of the room, so I possibly could only tell you what the topic was, but not the 'table of contents' LOL. I do not fight with people, and even worse, I do not know how to. The worse of it is that I couldn't give an f about fighting with anyone. If you have something to say - about a disagreement or something you would like me to do or not do, just say it and keep moving. I will take it under advisement and act accordingly. That is just my way. And that does piss people off mightily - and you Guessed it - (shrug).

You would have thought that Stalker Dude, having taken a flight from the woodlands (ok, down South) to come and 'sort stuff out and get closure' earlier in the year, he would have taken his own advice and kept moving. After telling me about how happy he is with his relationship, how everything is going well, how now he is happy it is all sorted and he is ready to let me go and not still be hang up about me - I thought we could now enter a new phase of 'good friends'. And we did. Uptil he went back to the forest and realised that he probably had been talking out of his behind.

Phone calls and text messages and emails started right after he touched down his end of the runway. To tell me that he missed me and hadn't realised that seeing me would affect him like it did, and he didnt know what to do about that. How stupid he was to 'get involved with anyone else without first making sure what his feelings about me were, really'. They went on to include how he cannot sleep anymore, how he was wondering what I am doing - midnight text messages that went unanswered asking if I were asleep, can I talk? Expressing how his heart will break into little pieces if he ever found out that I was in love with someone [else?]. Saying that I was his soul-mate, and he will never love anyone as much as he loved me.

Bullshit. Is what!

Last time I checked, it was a long time since I was a teenager - that hogwash doesn't wash with me. Yes, I 'know' that he does love me - but I know that he loves himself more than he is likely to love anyone else. Myself included. And most of all, I realised that that diatribe was born of a look on my face he saw over dinner - a look that said 'You do not affect me like you used to, I am so over there, walking in the opposite direction'. He knew he had lost me, and could only keep me as a friend or nothing at all.

How do grown up, otherwise sensible people, with intelligence in their brains and common sense [albeit lacking in some instances] think they can walk around telling you how happy they are, then a bit later declare that they do not love the person they are with, and a breath later, tell you that they love you? And expect you to believe them? Nothing has changed there then?

So here we are, once again. I can see this one coming from a mile off.

Here are the steps:

Step 1: He realises that he is not as happy in his relationship as he wants to be, and thinks he would be happier with me. But, he hasn't got me, so the next best thing is ...

Step 2: Starts calling and texting me telling me he misses me and loves me blah blah .. I do not seem that fazed by it, and I am casual about it and maintain the friendship (helps that we have distance working for us (or against, depending on frame of reference))

Step 3: Gets pissed off that I am not as available for his ministrations as he would like - or that I am thoroughly ignoring him - thereby making his displeasure known.

Step 4: Which follows that I get bored of the whole 'prissy' behaviour and totally ignore him

Step 5: He gets worried that I will never speak to him again - and tries to regain level ground by going 'normal' on me.

Step 6: {Damn, this is the hardest one}: In one of our regular conversations, he will go very quiet and then in a very small voice he will ask me: (Insert first name of self) are you seeing anyone?

This has happened before (It is bound to have, seeing as we have known each other for nine and a half years) - and the last time there were tears involved when I answered in the affirmative (his, not mine, of course) - funny how I never ask if he is seeing someone, and when he tells me I am never jealous (I am never jealous of anyone I have dated dating someone else - I do not know why it never bothers me, which actually bothers me that it doesn't - crazy, I know - probably because I am able to look back and say: rather you than me LOL), and that really pissed me off because he had the audacity to cry - over the phone, at 3am in the morning - halfway across the world - because I was dating someone, while he had his girlfriend in the bedroom sleeping. WTF?

This is getting rather long .. sigh

We have already got to Step 4: Where I told him that I would leave him alone till he feels he can speak to me coherently, otherwise there was no point to any more conversations cos we have been here before, so he proceeded the next day with Step 5: - I got the text message saying how glad he is that I am ok, that nothing untoward has happened to me, that it was nice to hear my voice, and that the presents he got from London are on their way to me!

Nice.

Not.

... Cos I got the text message last night saying: Princess, how are you? I miss you.. D xxx

I did not reply

I dont intend to reply

Because I know the minute I do, we will be right into Step 6 - and I am not ready to share The Gorgeous One with the world yet - only my immediate family is aware of his existence (yeah, you do not count, you are my virtual family LOL) and I am not letting him touch TGO with even a whisper or a breath - and I am not a liar, even a bad one - and why the hell should I be the one to shield him from feelings of being a selfish jerk anyway? Like I said before, he made his bed. I am standing by the agreement we made when he came over, that he will stop being possessive of me and let me get on with my life like I have done for him, so this time around, I am ready to say to him that the 'interests' we hold together, if he persists with holding them 'hostage', well, he can keep them. Money isnt everything.

As for the friendship?

Can someone remind me why you cannot really be friends with someone who wants to 'own' you?

Inflight Entertainment ...

2008-07-27T08:06:00.003-04:00

I has it :)

In droves
Or is it drivens?

...

Started straight after lift-off
In actuality, was 'during' lift-off
Continued thro'out the flight
Intermittently, of course
But never 'off-course'

And
Even after touch down
I was still plugged into the system
Still enjoying the 'taintment
All I could say was 'Damn'

Jet lag?
I has it
In drivens

Wow
(mixed metaphors notwithstanding, of course)
Still a little bit of ....

AOB: Happy Birthday, Sis
Cutified and Brother Outlaw are damned lucky to have you as Mother and Wife

(Walks away singing: Fly me to the moon)

Here I stand

2008-07-24T18:51:00.003-04:00

Like the first sighting of the moon over the horizon
Like the first taste of fresh, cold apple juice on a hot day
Like the look on Cutified when I am feeding him
Like holding your favourite author's book, unopened, crisp
Like looking in the mirror, when wearing your best shoes and attire, waiting to hear the world go: wow
Like the joyous sound of Mum when I say hello
Like when I make a surprise phone call to the speshul one, and I hear a chuckle
Like standing in the rain, exchanging little kisses not bothering about getting wet
Like getting into crisp clean sheets, just showered, naked
Like having someone wash your hair
Like the first time someone touches my skin and goes: wow, you are so soft
Like holding aforementioned book, knowing you are headed for a bed, with the rain thrashing the outside windows...

.....

Thank You

......

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-R_AXUcvjLc

2008-07-17T21:01:00.002-04:00

Getting Lifted

Or eated by mosquitoes, as it happens

The only person allowed (by self, of course) to lift me off my feet is my big brother, since I know he loves me more than I know what to do with – and he would not – well, wait for it – The Gorgeous One got me in a half beat – I have trust issues – let me fall.

I have trust issues? I never even thought about that one. (Scratches self again)

I trust that when I knelt to kiss you over the dinner table, while I was in the middle of cooking, and you scooped me up and span me over the oven – that you would take the mantle over from my big brother, and not drop me over the oven.

I trust that these are mosquito bites – gotten whilst you took me out to ‘watch the moonlight over the ocean’ and the stars and stuff – at midnight. I trust that was the most romantic date I have ever had with anyone. My trying to distract the coast guard? Icing on the .. well.. sand. Or getting ‘kicked out’ by the police? Who knew?

Scratches self again

Trust issues? What trust issues?

Ok, you got a point – or two, or well, loads of points.

I have spent so much time running away from everything and everyone that I do not even know if there is anything left to run away from anymore – and that includes myself.

And then I met you.

And I am giving a shit.

When you say that you love me, I look into your eyes, and I know that you mean it. And it scares the hell out of me. That is trust right there.

And I am left wondering what to be; the adult or the child.

I have always been the loved, not the lover. Now, I cannot tell.
I have always been in charge – the independent. Now, (shrug)
I have always been one step ahead – now I am lugging behind

Damn these mosque bites

Brother Outlaw tells me often enough that you are a ‘lucky bastard’ to be with someone like me. I beg to differ. I am the lucky one (and not a bastard, mind)

What is it?

Is it because I finally met my match?
Is it because I finally grew up and realised that the world is not just about me?

Scratches again – why do mosquitoes only bite legs and arms (notwithstanding the exposure, of course)?

I ache when I am not with you – serious and scientifically provable ache.

This is gonna upset a few human specimen – but finally, the G got got.
And not just by mosquitoes, or the coast guard.

Maybe it’s all in my mind.
But those eyes – damn those eyes
Always
The way he looks at me
How they half-close when he is explaining something to me
Something that is important to him, and he wants me to understand it
And I am half listening, and half staring
And he chuckles and goes: ‘What?’
And I stop myself before I say: I am staring at your eyes – you could be talking about the weather for all I care – or about McCain (the rodent, not the politician – not that I can distinguish between the two) – but somehow I end up having multitasked and know exactly what he was talking about, without actively having participated in the conversation.

He makes me want to be a better person
(OK, I stole that off Jack Nicholson, but who asked anyway?)

Slaps face: Is it possible to get Malaria in ‘the Hub’?

Am I gonna read this in about a month and go: WTF was I thinking?
Probably
Possibly
Practically

I was never good at this falling in love crap anyway – hence why I always took a back seat at it.
Or maybe it has always been my ‘defence mechanism’ to stop myself getting hurt, or letting go, or something.
Hence why I was quite ‘jolly’ at him lifting me, but screeching and telling him to let me go – which prompted the ‘trust issues’ mini-debate.
Or when I spent the night at the ‘snake house’ and I couldn’t sleep – and he said something about me being worried about him ‘leaving me in the middle of the night’ – which had nothing to do with that, but everything to do with the snake.

I hate this feeling- especially since it feels so bloody good.
Like when I scratch these itches.
Are you sure I ain’t contaminated with something?
(Logs on to Google to find the CDC hotline)

Contingency plan number 218: Disabled

Preconceived notions

2008-07-15T00:29:00.002-04:00

Most, if not all, of us are guilty of said. You hear something or see someone and you already have your own theories (real or perceived) about it. Most of it is just hogwash, but some of it though might have some bite to it.

I was having a conversation with my Brother Outlaw the other day, and as usual he was all up in my business, wanting to know who the person I speak to on the phone constantly, and whom I get out of the room to speak to, is. So I filled him in, just to shut him up about it. The usual about where we met, whether he is nice, how he treats me blah blah. And as happens, I added – for good measure – that he is rather ‘cute’ LOL. I know everybody and their cat chaperon me here, wanting to make sure that I do not get entangled with shady characters (and believe me there are many) – which is rather sweet but sometimes I wish they would all just stop. The other day The Gorgeous One was dropping me off, and just by coincidence my Prospective Brother Outlaw (otherwise known as The Armenian – not by Nationality, but by bling and, well, you know – it is a long story, and a personal joke I do not share) was just dropping in for the obligatory dinner and checking in on us (I wonder whom he dates, my little sister or both my big sis and I, seeing as he spends more time with us than with her) and he got very territorial about it – going all full throttle on ‘that guy who was just kissing you on the front door, who is he – I am going to run his plates to find out all about him’. My take: last time I checked, my dad was still alive. Or how whenever we go out to clubs, he is all hawk-eyed, making sure than no dude talks to me or telling any guys that ask that they cannot get my number, even without asking me. Oh dear.

Long story longer, well, Brother Outlaw finds out from self where The Gorgeous One is from originally – and, full outburst ensues about how people from that part of the world have no personalities, and that he has never met anyone from there who is even mildly good looking. And also, wait for it, that they are really ‘black’ – seriously. For someone with a Phd, who has travelled to more countries than I can shake a stick at, who is ‘worldly’, you disappoint me. I could not defend TGO – mainly because there was nothing to defend. I could only laugh – actually, I fell about laughing. What is it with people, eh? Can you not wait to meet someone before you lay out the judgement on ‘their ilk’ – at least until you find out if they are left-handed or right pawed? Like the way people have preconceived notions about people from West Africa – Nigeria to be specific – I reminded him that, and he went ‘he’ was an exception to the rule – he is good looking for a man from there, and he is a real nice person blah blah – referring to someone we know.

He also got rather territorial when I had to go spend the afternoon with TGO – asking all manner of questions about when, where, how long, what we were going to do. I sidestepped them quite deftly and told him I will see him a little later.
Fast forward to later that evening when TGO had to come pick me up, and lo and behold, he came face to face with Brother Outlaw – I introduced them and ran off to finish getting ready, and they were left sizing each other up – whatever it is that men do, especially faced with the dude that might, just might, become one Outlaw some day (I don’t believe I just said that – but seeing as TGO is getting away with stuff like ‘our children’ and carelessly tossing the L word about, I think I am entitled to get careless a little, No?).

The day after the night before, BO is teasing me about TGO – and, wait, wait, did the man just say: Oh, he seemed like a nice guy, and he is rather good looking too. Is that a retraction? I can hear his brain working around the fact that he is not ‘black’ black – he is caramel flavoured. He might have continued on to tell me about ‘the most beautiful eyes I have ever seen’, but that would have been a little ‘gay’, and I would have been worried – for me, not him – I am not fighting for a man with another man, forget that – I do not fight for men, period. No one is that important that I would break my fingers for them, yet. I did not say anything about his preconceived notion about ‘them’ – just like I do not say anything when I hear people talking about other tribes, or races or sexual orientation – it is a no win situation. I would like to think that I can educate people on the differences, celebrating instead of castigating, but this one I will not touch.

Now I have to continuously be teased about ‘my boyfriend’ – I did not even know he was one – I just thought we were just ‘chilling out’ together. Apparently you have to distinguish between what you are to a person to avoid misconceptions. Who the hell makes these rules anyway? Dating is for suckers and people who understand those rules. Of course, I ain’t one of them – or rather, I do not understand (or choose not to anyway) those rules.

As for TGO, I do not even know what is going on anymore. I just look at him and I am lost for words. When he turns the most beautiful eyes I have ever seen sideways to me and ask: ‘What?’, my mind goes completely blank. Even one of my ever ready flippant answers goes jaywalking across the room, leaving me gasping for words. No one told me that I would be scared to think like this, I always thought it would be easy. Who was I kidding? I ask myself what I was doing before – whether I actually participated in the dating part of a relationship – and I do not know if I did. I think this is the spoilt brat leaving the building and getting replaced by a grown up – not pretty. Being in a permanent state of long distance relationships does this to you – you do not know how to handle a ‘ten minutes away’ relationship. Getting any involved a visit to the travel agent, a vacation request, packing of one or more suitcases, cancelling the milk and newspapers for a week, or two, or three – an 8hr flight (in-flight food not a consideration) body scanning and/or orifice scanning (too much information?) etc – nowadays, it is: be ready in 10 minutes – and I will be like: 20 minutes – and he will go: ok 15minutes – that’s compromise LOL

My preconceived notion about relationships being hard work is affirmed – I should spend less time worrying and thinking about it and more time enjoying the fact that I am one lucky human being to have met such an amazing person. Whatever else happens, I am just glad that I did meet him. Every day, every conversation, every touch, kiss, smell – anything, brings out his amazeability. I think I spent way too much time looking at D to realise that there were other amazing men in the world – and, I did not really appreciate whomever I was dating for the longest time because he was not D (who took the first place in amazeability till now), and yes, if you are wondering, they did not have a chance in freaking hell of capturing my heart – body, yes, mind, yes, heart, HELL NO! I suppose that makes me a liar then, doesn’t it? Oh and a cheat too – come to think of it – emotional cheat. Ha! How do you like me now, eh?
I never had to work at all for him to love me – he adores enough for the both of us. I am so glad that I was finally able to lay that ghost to rest, otherwise I would not have allowed myself to be blown away like this. This time I really have to work though – not that it is difficult with TGO – he is real easy going and there are no games or guesswork to be done – but somehow I feel that I have something to lose by being nonchalance. All the b’s (you know, booty, body, brains, boobs etc) will not be enough, I feel, to sell this one.

What the hell am I thinking? What did you do to G? You need to bring her back double-quick – this alien over here is scaring the hell out of me. Thinking about things that she hasn’t thought about previously. I mean, seriously lady, you better get a grip real quick. The M word (not that one, we have the same initial) and the B word. Even the dreadful L word (which was tossed quite casually the other night, by one crazy man). How do people do this?

Someone, anyone, everyone?

Love (or lack thereof)

2008-07-09T13:00:00.003-04:00

This really did make me smile - the things people do .. .well .. for love
Speaking of which, I have a stalker - ok not necessarily a stalker, but someone exhibiting stalkerish tendencies. How do people justify 'moving on' and then spend an inordinate amount of time proving otherwise? Especially when they find out that yes, you are not there for them as much as they would want you to. Claiming that they would want you to be happy, then finding out that, no, I really wouldn't want her to be happy if it involves so much as having another man touch her. You ain't got no choice, mate. You made your bed, go get some sleep.

As for the object of affection, well, he really is sweet. Seriously, I am beginning to worry myself - although he is reassuring me with his complete and utter devotion, and he does not hold back when it comes to telling me stuff. This is fun - exciting, but scary all at once. Now, if only he would take sometime out of running through my mind, or telling me stuff that makes my already tired brain fire in all directions. I need some sleep.

Wow

In His Kiss

2008-07-02T17:19:00.006-04:00

He says I stare at him
With 'that look'
I do not ask what look that is
Because I know it
I am staring at his eyes
Because I have never seen eyes
That beautiful, that sexy
Slanted, clear, brown
Wow
How they half-close when he is explaining something
Or concentrating
Intense, and soft at the same time
Or when I will say something and he will turn and look at me sideways
And I can tell without looking that there is a half-smile on his face

That chuckle, that makes my knees weak
Both vulnerable and a little cocky - man, he knows he got it
And that laugh, that has me going 'What'?
Cos it is so mischievous, so sexy
Then I will say something, and he goes 'Oh, really?'
In that accent - Oh my
And then he turns his head and gives me a soft kiss
Just a little one
Then he looks at me again, with half closed eyes
Says: Wow, I love kissing you
Smiles
Then cups my face - and proceeds to kiss me senseless
And I know, like Cher said: It is in his Kiss

Damn

2008-06-27T22:40:00.003-04:00

This is harder than I thought

Who knew, eh?

Free falling?

I has it :)

Damn

Of sick, and sin

2008-06-24T20:49:00.005-04:00

Before we begin, here is one for the rodents, McCain, (I am still not convinced that he isn't one of them, rodents not aliens - check it out, you will see what I mean) - and for that speshul humans that keeps me awake, amused, amazed, and reminded me that 'Him over there' had competition, proximilitiestitis notwithstanding. This one is for you - cos you gets me, and you gets it.

I have an absolutely annoying habit of cracking my knuckles. It sometimes hurts - but this time, it is hurting a whole lot more. I think I have done permanent damage to my middle right finger. Which, as it happens, would be a problem if I was right handed .. because, well.. I would probably not be 'giving you the finger' now for having your mind in gutter mode.

That out of the way, The Gorgeous One thinks that 'we' should start going to church - he does, oh and volunteers in a shelter on Saturdays too. We were both born Catholic, he is no longer a practising one, I am an equal opportunity non-religious spiritual human being thing eee. His reasoning: that I should have an avenue - 'other than going to church in bed', which as a matter of fact I do - all I have to do is have a book in bed on a Sunday at 1100hrs and we are good to go, I even sing along sometimes - to confess my sins. LOL talk about a non-practising Catholic pulling the guilt trip thingy about hell and damnation on you for good measure.

My answer: I do not sin what I cannot explain
Well, to Him above anyway- which is all that counts

Then he (the gorgeous one) made me 'see' the error of my ways

I am supposing that confession is loooooonnnnng overdue.

*Starts looking for a rosary - which, as it happens, there is none - this is gonna take a while*

Incoming (should that be two words, or one?)

2008-06-22T12:30:00.003-04:00

Conversation goes like this:

G: You have a visitor
Him: Whom
G: That one walking on the wall (pointing at indeterminate insect)
H: That is nothing, there is a snake in the back garden

Did the man just say the S word - seriously?
Self walks all over the flat, sorry, crib, house, something, looking for the snake. He just laughs and says that they will not bite you. Snake, sorry for being hilariously paranoid but I am nowhere near agreeing to spend any inordinate amount of time and/or space, with a serpent. Not that one anyway.

Like I said, there must be something wrong with the man - he is not afraid of snakes.

I do not know what this jungle that is called America cropped from, but this is the most I have seen of 'wildlife' - as I call it - even growing up in Kenya is nothing by comparison.

How do you explain the 'wild turkey' that has five chicks, that walks around twice a day- for lunch, and or dinner.
Or the massive amount of squirrels, including the tiny cute brown one - that do everything including walk into your house if you leave the door open.
Or the amount of 'hares - er .. rabbits - them things - that are permanently running around in perfectly 'decent' neighbourhoods. We are closer to having rabbit stew than you think.
Or that thing that I saw that had me calling my sister going: There is a huge rodent, the size of a cat, walking around outside here. It is so funny. She asks what it is, and I am like: I don't know, but it sure as hell doesnt look tame to me.
Or that possum that I saw, and tried to talk to, and then chickened out. Where is google when you need it?
Or the Skunk - seriously!
Or the ants
And insects
And roaches - come on people, clean up will ya?
Or the little 'rat' that Brother in Law killed sometime back - I am still looking around for more.
Or the 'domesticated' dogs that adopt me at every turn - even in cars.
Or even the people, damn the people.

I love animals, all of them, but not with my dinner (unless they are dinner), and no, Snakes, not today Sir! Snakes eat rodents, and I love rodents, so it is only natural to not like snakes.

It really is a jungle out here.

This is big

2008-06-21T21:25:00.005-04:00

I have a distinct feeling that I am tumbling into this - albeit with my eyes open - but lets just say that I feel like it is happening for the very first time.

It is even more disconcertingly delicious to think that I would have had it pass me by, literally, if the first instinct to smile politely and say 'Thanks, but I'm not interested', was what I went with, but I would have missed out on the most amazingly delicious person on the planet - which is to say that I can always correct my incredible instincts sometimes.

I remember thinking: 'Someone that looks like that, sounds like that, has a smile like that, well, they probably walk around picking up gals left right and centre'. I am not in the mind frame of dating anyone at the moment, even though spring cleaning came and went. But after he asked me, politely so, whether he can call me sometime and we could do something fun, I thought why not, I mean if he is an arse, then at least I will find out soon enough, and might actually enjoy myself while doing it.

And when we did meet up, it was fun. I am still amazed at how great he is, how polite, how he does everything he says he will do. How much of a gentleman he is. How he will not even so much as put a hand on my person without asking first. And he is absolutely gorgeous - and he never tires of telling how absolutely gorgeous I am. The connection was instant - on both sides. ~The chemistry is great. I am even finding myself wondering how it would feel to *goes into gutter mode here* - but I am finding it very easy to just wait. I loove talking to him, all the time, I cannot get enough of his voice, how sexy it is, how sexy he is, how it is so easy to talk to him, how he uses the littlest excuse to pull me to him and kiss me - or hug me. I even had to ask him whether there is something 'wrong' with him, and he chuckled and said he is not perfect - well, if it is perfection I am after, he comes a close second.

Do I sound nauseating enough?
I am.

I did not know people like him existed - or maybe it is because I get rather bored with people that I date - because they were never the right people to begin with - so I find it easy to find an excuse to call it quits and move on - or away, or both. But this time, I feel that I am ready to put the work in, and learn and do stuff together. It is gonna be interesting. I am trying to keep this under wraps until I know more - but damn, its hard to hide the stupid grin I have on my face whenever I am thinking about him, and the bloody butterflies that have taken residence in my tummy - and make their presence known constantly. Or that feeling I have on the left side of my chest under my breast, I think it is called a heart, that keeps dancing crazily whenever the phone rings and I see his name.

It is not hard to fall, when you float like a bloody cannonball.

This is big.

WOW

In other less nauseating news, Football (and yes, if anyone else tell me: Oh you are watching soccer? I am going to cause Grevious bodily harm, even though I have to find someone else to do it for me)? is taking over my spare time. I am recruiting lots of people to watch it with me. Don't you love that all the usual suspects are being kicked out? Nice.

Speaking of Nice, the blasted Celtics won. It took me about the last two or so weeks to get into basketball, thanks in part to my crazy siblings, but within those two weeks, I was crazily camped at the TV every other day, shouting at it. D claims that I have turned into a sports nut, I totally agree. I am so happy for the guys that they won, and did anybody see the stupid way Kobe was gloating on the press conference the previous day. You deserved to lose, sucker. (See what I mean, I am even watching press conferences). Now, to buy a green and white jersey with, oh I don't know - Ray or KG - it is hard to choose. I am in love.

Time to go over and spend time with the gorgeous-est man on the planet.

AOB: Happy 6months birthday to the cutest littlest human being on the planet - Cutified. Oh how you have grown. And he can say 'Hai' when you say: Hai Baby. And laughs at you when you either speak to him in Kikuyu, or call him by his Kikuyu name. Oh, and he can talk on the phone too - only doesnt know when to talk, more like listen and then when the phone is taken away, he starts talking. Cute.

Did I mention that I am in Love - there goes my other reason.

Over and Out

Spring Cleaning ....

2008-06-01T23:19:00.004-04:00

Is done.

Bloody hell it is, I wish I could say what that entails.
Only that if I knew then, what I know now
It wouldn't have taken this long
And, and, and, and
Oh WOW!

A..MA.ZI.NG...
And I want the iPhone too
(Walks away singing: There ain't no bugs on me :))

Unwritten

2008-05-30T03:47:00.005-04:00

Who knows how long this will last
Now we’ve come so far, so fast
But, somewhere back there in the dust
That same small town in each of us
I need to remember this
So baby give me just one kiss
And let me take a long last look
Before we say good bye
Just lay your head back on the ground
And let your hair fall all around me
Offer up your best defence
But this is the end
This is the end of the innocence
Don Henley: End of Innocence

You do not make it easier by writing to tell me how much you miss me, or how much you loved spending the weekend talking to a person of my calibre – which I would normally frown at, seeing as I would wanna question your ‘present and continuous’ taste in the human species, and you would counter-frown at my ‘always taking words and statements and twisting them all ways to Monday, which I might mention that it is Thursday, and you would say you didn’t mean that literally, and I would say that I was pulling your chain, and you would probably just laugh at me and say you know, and then I would say something to the effect that that did not negate the fact that I am still questioning your choice of people with limited or no sense of humour and/or limited HQ (Human Quotient, alphabetically speaking, of course), and you would counter that I do not know your friends, and I would say that you keep the company of people who are closest to you in need or deed, or something that rhymes or doesn’t make sense like that, so I can complete said statement, and you would say I am making things up as I go along, and I would say I always did, but you should not dismiss it as a digress, and you would mention that I am too smart for my boots, and I would invite you to look at said boots to ascertain whether they were smarter than I am, and then you would say something to the effect that they may not have been polished to a ‘spit shine military precision’, which would in itself ‘pique my interest’ in the sense that I love everything Military, and would probably start engaging you in military speak, but would be piqued at your ‘properness’ and I would probably mention the fact that you are so ‘English’, and you would counter that, although we are Londoners at heart, we chose to be where we are when we are, and I would start some sort of protest, and you would quell my protests with the one word ….

Princess

Therein lies the problem:

Therein begins the end of innocence

You tell me to write, about our story. I wish I could. Actually I can. It is long, it is hard. We have been through the mill and came out alive. Together. I have a few broken hearts attached to my name. I did have a broken heart attached to ‘our name’.

The way you look at me, no one else ever did. I feel under scrutiny just being with you. You know every ‘nook and cranny’ of my being. You excel at looking at me, I shy away from you gaze. You are beautiful, I told you this a million years ago. I cannot believe that you ‘chose’ me. You cannot believe that I ‘chose’ you. We both agree we are not perfect, but you, you exemplify ‘perfection’, and you say that about me.

We got here, we both agree to let go. Free ourselves so other people can love us as much as we love each other. It isn’t fair on anyone that we both cling to each other even when we know we cannot be perfect together. Because being together is exacerbating our scrutiny of our imperfections.

I piss you off by being simply complex. You marvel at how my brain works, how I can see things that other people cant. You tell me ‘I can do anything’ I want. I agree. You piss me off because you are too easy to read. And you are a flirt. Funny how I am okay with you dating someone else, and pissed off when I am with you and you flirt with someone else. Is it because I know that the person you are with hasn’t ‘got you’, but the person you are flirting with ‘can’?

Everyone loves you, everyone. Including my own Mother. And that, is, to say something. No one can believe that I let you go, countless times, over and over. Including this time.

I feel like I am going against the wind. I am free-falling. I want to still have you as my harness, the one person that will always be there to catch me when I fall. But I cut the rope, didn’t I? I set myself free. And I am like a ‘canon ball’, going to fall straight out into the abyss? No? You tell me you will always love me, be there for me for EVER, as long as I need you, you will be on the other end of the phone, will travel the world for me, will do anything.

But, like you always said, I need to be ‘free’ to spread my wings. I cannot be held, cannot be owned, cannot be boxed, cannot be tied to anything. I need to be free to ‘breathe’. You cannot wait to see what I will do when I choose to do it. And you will be there cheering me on. You will be there circling my ear, telling me how proud you are of me. The one you made into a woman, the one that now makes you wonder what you ‘unleashed’, although you claim that that was not your doing, that it was all there to begin with, just needed the right person to ‘unleash’ it. I beg to differ.

I do not know anyone that worries about me as much as you do. Not even myself. Even when I was in .KE you were ready to commandeer ‘The Jet’ to come pick me up cos you were worried I might be in danger. Actually you were mighty terrified. I laughed and said there were a couple of millions of people living here that were in the same predicament, minus they did not have an ex-boyfriend with a family jet at hand to pick them up and out of the country. Your answer: I do not Love a couple of million Kenyans, I love you. I was rather pissed off too that you would ‘rendition’ my ass because ‘my’ country was going through some tough times. It was my decision to stay or leave, and I chose when to do that. I pay my way when and if I can, and ‘piggy-backing on ‘your family’’ doesn’t qualify. I asked you to call off ‘the family’, and you understood and said I was too proud for my own good. I know that. I wish I wasn’t.

I wish I am just a regular walking talking head with a body, a modicum of decency in the brain department, and a ---- ok, I would hate being a regular walking talking human. It would suck. That would. Really. I love that I am whom I am. And I know that that might be a little overwhelming to someone who craves simplicity. I crave simplicity too. But I did learn at a very early age that I wasn’t gonna get it. So I just make things up as I go along. I tried talking to you about ‘my not being able to acquire simplicity’ between the bread and the prawns (you will have to kill me first, before I call them Shrimp, it reminds me of ‘run, Forrest, run), and that would defeat the purpose in the first place, now, wouldn’t it?) Did I mention that you ‘made’ me eat Prawns for the first time way back when in London?), but you did not ‘get it’. I do not blame you, perhaps that whole ‘higher understanding’ thing is overrated. I do not know. All I know is, apart from Dad, I am always literally talking to myself.

Which is where you let me go. Mainly because you think I ‘deserve’ someone who will put me on that pedestal, and look at me all day. And when they are done looking, they will never let anyone else even so much as take a peek. In the meantime, they need to let me do whatever, whenever, wherever in the world, however, with whomever. And remember, that they can never own me. I belong to the world. I belong in nature. I am nature. But at the same time, I can always come back to them when I am done ‘doing my bit’. You cannot wait that long. To be honest, you cannot wait. Period.

You say that if someone so much as ‘looks at me’ the wrong way, I should let you know. You can walk over to them and kick their asses till next summer. Better yet, you have connections. I believe you. Trust me I have names, oh, and addresses. I am resourceful like that. But I need to ‘curve’ my way out of heartaches and disappointments. I am grown now. How can I not be? I always had you looking at me, I was under scrutiny, I was levelly gazing at your gaze, wondering what those eyes were seeing. ‘If I could see me through your eyes’ (our first dance song, way back when, reversed?). I am still asking myself what it is that makes you chose to be so ‘possessive’ of me, when you can have any woman in the whole wide world (and their mothers, and aunties, and cousins twice removed or something). Remember how we used to muse over how ‘if the rest of the world did not feel like this when they were ‘making love’ then there is a lot of ‘wastage’ out there. And then laugh? Well, I am still of the same opinion. Wastage? Such a waste :(

It is unfair to people that we ‘Love’ (gleefully feeling quite shy over this one), but the whole ‘I cannot sleep, for thinking about you’, and ‘I will always be there for you no matter what, just wondering if you are asleep’ kind of talk will get us nowhere. You asked me to be patient. I am. Just wondering if you practice what you preach.

I will be ok, I promise. I also promise I will not get with someone who will try to clip my wings. Yes I know, I always let people think they have, then they wake up one day and wonder WTF? I promise to practice patience, love, ..er… patience, restraint, patience, how to blend in, patience, write Check without the Que, and not Queue while getting in line, stay offline (*pouting* how the heck am I supposed to … ) give some dude a chance to get to know the G without working too hard (fat chance, that), learn my right from my left, I am still giggling at the second thing you said to me after you picked me up (the first thing being: Damn, you are beautiful.) – that ‘For a person with your level of IQ, I am surprised that after all these years you never bothered to really learn your left from your right. My answer: Well, I am also surprised that, being quite capable of knowing their left from their right, the rest of the world havent leant half the things that I can do without a single thought. And they have had millions of years (apparently) to learn it.

Touché, No?

He said I should write a story – there are pages and pages of this – just not for general consumption, yet.

The rest is, as ‘they’ say, Unwritten.

AOB: At least 20 hrs early, but 'Happy Birthday' to YOU *pointing in the general direction of where you are, which accordingly, is the wrong direction, of course, seeing as I cannot tell left from right, how in the hell am I supposed to know my North from South and other degrees removed therein, huh?

D Day

2008-05-22T07:25:00.002-04:00

I am not a Man U supporter, but my mate G and Rak are, (and live in close proximity to West Ham grounds at Upton Park, which was always 'our' adopted club, relegated or not).

So ..... the best Man[U] wins, for now

Speaking of which...

Someone send me a guardian angel to help me sort out this weekend
Oh, I forgot
They already did

The Question is in the answer

I always hated that statement

Today

Is

D

Day

If it wasn't for the ...

2008-05-17T15:26:00.005-04:00

I’ve had a huge crush on my mate J for a while. He is delicious, smart, funny and my friend.
Not one of the ‘inheriteds’

You should not have crushes on friends, it iss always dangerous.

He asks me out, I am busy, he is busy, we never seem to synchronise our ‘free’ times.
I have a free weekend, he is working
Then he calls me, and says he knows of a place he wants to introduce me to
I am hesitant
I have no chaperons
I always have, since I have been here
Everybody treats me like I am twelve

I think I am

Exerting my ‘independence’ I say yes
He will pick me up at 2300hrs
I get ready
Chaperons are nervous
They don’t know who J is

I am excited

We go to this place which isn’t exactly ‘my style’
Apparently I am still a snob
We dance
Oh did we dance?
J aksed me to bring my dancing shoes
I always say: You have no idea what you are in for!
I missed my sisters
They woulda loved the music

I always minimise my conversations over here
Because everyone comments on ‘my accent’
It irks me
I wish I could suddenly switch to a ‘Merican twang overnight
I would

Although

I like not being ‘invisible’

We thence go to an after party
I have already been ‘adopted’ by a whole populace
It isn’t hard
I am amiable
Ask Cutified, I am quarantined when he is feeding or sleeping
One look or word from me and he starts laughing, not funny
D says I am a bad influence – oh oh, what’s new?

‘EVERY ONE’ thinks J and I are a couple
He doesn’t mind, I do

Funny how I want something until I get it
And then it doesn’t appeal so

I still fancy J like mad, but…

The morning after the night before

J calls a million times
Finally I answer at 1400hrs
He wants to go out again
He wants to ‘talk’
Apparently I am ‘sophisticated, cool, beautiful’ blah blah I switch off
I give him my ‘run around, bullshit speech’ as a human or two would attest
I want to see him again, of course

I want to ‘talk’

But not today

Today, I want to be on ‘Cutified detail’
I miss him even when I sleep
He is my ‘levelling ground’

The dawn is breaking
A light shining through
You're barely waking
And I'm tangled up in you

I'm open, you're closed
Where I follow, you'll go
I worry I won't see your face
Light up again

Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the wrong words seem to rhyme
Out of the doubt that fills my mind
I somehow find
You and I collide

I saw this and I thought of you

2008-05-16T02:29:00.004-04:00

2008-05-12T02:09:00.002-04:00

There is not one way I could write this and not come across as inadequate, or crass
I do not even have a feeling apportioned to how I feel right now
For your family, for my family, for myself

All I know is
You treated me as your daughter
You addressed me as an equal
You referred to me as 'your friend'

God: Why?

Goodbye my friend
SK Muigai
09/05/08
Be Peaceful
And:
Thank You

Right Here ....

2008-05-08T21:32:00.005-04:00

As Reacher would say, there are two sorts of people:

Words people
and
Numbers people

I am both

Unfortunately
[Ambidexterity notwithstanding]
*sigh*

I choose 2731

Lets go

Here's a primer:
[The music, not the lyrics - but then again, who is to say?]

Levelling off

2008-05-07T23:51:00.001-04:00

Maybe its

Because my foot hurts no more
And I haven’t got to take pain medication
Or limp like Long John Silver on speed

Because I had a revelatory dream last night
And I know what I know, and it will not be pretty
Or that it ain’t my fault either way

Because I found a kindred spirit
And somehow I think it is a spirit for real
Or that, somehow, I am seeing the other side of I

Because I am spending a lot more time with Cutified
And finding out that He ain’t just 'a baby'
Or that I should be careful what I teach him

Because I am more illuminated about stuff
And I find I get there before others do
Or that, as it happens, others get there after I have

Because now I know that ‘weird’ is a state of mind
And it is only ‘understood’ by those of the same mindset
Or that, ‘we’ should ignore the ‘normal’ in normal people

But somehow

I woke up this morning
And I feel like the universe is alright with me

I Bruise Easily

2008-05-01T19:57:00.002-04:00

I have spent the last week pissing about the fact that my foot hurts – solely because I refuse to take said foot to a doctor to be told that, yes, I twisted my ankle, and yes, that (pointing) thing you got tied round it, should stay, irrespective of the fact that it makes said foot more swollen, or that it is not comfortable, or doing any harm or help, or the fact that self is getting the distinct feeling that going unheeded, this getting addicted to painkillers is going to actually become an addiction, and that self should stop asking people of the medical persuasion how one can get addicted to pain medication, especially since medicine bottle says that one should take 2 Tylenol every 4-6hrs, and that every 4-6hrs, said foot feels like someone is practically hammering on it, and that it is so painful that the only way one can actually do anything that requires vertically hobbling from one point to another is by .. WHAT?

But that is ok, I can put my foot up (If I hear that statement one more time, I might have to incapacitate someone [else]), at least now I have a reason to not put my foot in my mouth, seeing as that would mean I aint got no leg to stand on [any more one legged jokes, or double negativity?]

Physical pain is easy to deal with (and thank you people that make Tylenol), but emotional pain, man, that is immensely mersible (as opposed to immersible) in Tylenol, or any of its derivatives (probably why I am still asking how one can get addicted to pain medication, I hear). I have woken up at 0500hrs the last two days, and for that moment between oblivion and observation, there is bliss, and then it hits me, and the pain, this time both physical and emotional, remind me that I am alive. I guess that asking last week if I was alive was a primer to this week.

I am vacillating (that word again) between quite ok and quite teary – and I know for a fact you would frown at my tearfulness. Have you ever met a person that you clicked, so quickly, that you thought your souls were friends in another life? I do not want to cry anymore, if I can help it. I want to be grateful, that I knew you, that my life was made better by knowing and spending time with you, that you are at peace, and that you continue to speak to me, even when I am refusing to listen, like I always do, and in my own way, that I know, that you know, that I loved you.

I bruise easily

Information Symmetry

2008-04-25T13:17:00.001-04:00

This week went rather quickly – I suppose when one of the most amusing things you do to yourself is re-pull the already pulled muscle on your leg, and limping painfully while shaking head that you never seem to learn is compounded by nearly losing life (I suppose limb doesn’t count here) and being saved by a man in uniform (God bless unnamed cop) – life does rather have its fair share of things to make you sober – even the caffeine seems to have taken a rather middle ground seat now.

My early morning jogs being put on the back burner owing to that near incident with a downed live power line (and being bodily lifted by a copper off the road, LOL I am still blushing), and said pulled muscle that ‘had’ to be exercised to get better, but got worse, and Long John Silvering my way around being the norm, I have found myself spending a lot more time seated – and pondering why there are a lot of things that I might need to do before I die (hopefully of old age, and not by being electrocuted, then tased (or the other way round, depending on how pissed off said cop will be next time – I suppose there are worse fates, I could be walking around looking like some people’s hair))

I shared something with human who I talks to, a lot, all day long – and he reciprocated in kind – something Charlie from Numb3rs would call information symmetry (I watch Numb3rs mainly to learn about stuff, not having been a Maths boffin or anything, I can actually pretend to know stuff in conversations, although when I write about Seismic Vibrators, I actually know what the heck they are and what they do, but that is beside the point – or Top Gear – oh and that Episode where they had the Eurofighter – Sweet – Cutified and I were cooing like mad – the lad loves his planes, and cars I might add), and did I mention that I would love to adopt Charlie, and ruffle his hair? Well, I would. So I shall call said human Charlie from Numb3rs (minus the hair, of course – we already talked about tased and electrocuted, don’t push it) which is innocuously appropriate, and which, I know, he would call something like ‘Genius’ – with a capital G (tooting self’s horn here, hmm) Oh Dear!

And, self has noticed lately, is using ‘Oh dear’ exponentially to denote ‘what the f* - or do that ‘eyebrow raising’ thing to express the fact that on a ‘stupidity quotient’ recipient is topping the scales. And it gives Oh, Jesus (borrowed from Immediate Older Sis) – and Dear God in Heaven (Self Chosen), or Oh my Goodness (from Lil Sis) a break – and seeing as I forgave self in this Spring Cleaning Business – (Aren’t the temperatures already too hot for Spring?), I am sure we are even with the Maker, and His Son, and the Pope (ok, a cheap shot, but I woulda liked to meet him and get a blessing – forget the whole world troubles, we ain’t got no lift-off here, Papa).[*Looks around for a Rosary*, we might as well start now, it will definitely take a while]

Somehow, and invariably so, I do not seem to live in the world that the rest of the world live in. In my quest to find out information that neither helps nor changes my life, or that of others – I might have come across some that while not wholly amusing, was rather dull and not very exciting, but altogether should have made a more – (how do I say this gently) – interested person curiously, well, curiously upset. What was curious, and continues to be so, is that I.FELT.NOTHING. If my leg didn’t hurt as much as it did, I would probably have to find a way to confirm that I am alive, and if I didn’t love Cutified as much as I do (which is one degree short of a restraining order) I would start getting very worried about my community with the human populace. Which is to say that I am bored – truly and fully. This is the part of my life that garners a visit to a different continent – or country – or engagement in activities best left out of the bible, or enrolment in courses that challenge the mind – (that’s it) or even worse, engagement in relationships with wholly unacceptable people.

Which is worrying – because wholly unacceptable people tend to get too attached to me – and I find myself scampering for the hills (or forest, or airports) – like over the weekend, when this wholly unacceptable woman got too comfortable on my being – I still feel a little violated – it is alright when a person sings the praises of your beauty, the softness of your skin, the ‘model figure’ of your body, the length and shape of your legs – but when it is a woman – who proceeds to touch the various parts, in the guise of ‘appreciating’ them? Did I say I still feel a little violated? I may be over-reacting, but I did not like the way she was looking at me. I know I attract all sorts – including strays – and I hear said woman is a bit ‘wounded’, and apparently I come across as caring and all that so people gravitate towards me (including Zoé the dog, who runs away from her home to come and hang out with me), and I love being touched as much as the next person – actually a whole lot more, if you ask my IBS, especially by the right person, but I do not like it when people feel the need to touch me all willy nilly – because I have ‘oh so soft skin’

There is one curious thing though – of wholly unacceptable people gravitating towards me – Charlie from Numb3rs has a crush on me. I am sure he might call it something different, or I may not be taking him too seriously – or the situation, or God knows whatever it is that is happening, which is rather sweet in a kind of incestuous sort of commune way (I call it relations cannibalism), but if I was in any way inclined to have some sort of relationship with some sort of wholly unacceptable human specimen, I wouldn’t kick you out of bed – come to think of it, I wouldn’t kick anyone out of bed right about now.

No More Miss Nice Girl

2008-04-17T12:19:00.003-04:00

Oh, dear

It came to a head this morning. Boss Lady has been getting on my case this week …

Ok, that is not the beginning – the beginning is that I was on Cutified Detail over the weekend – and we got up to all sorts – mainly, he did, and I encouraged him, and we learnt how to pull my hair, or anything attached to my head, and chew on my phone, and grab and ‘talk’ on the phone to whomever happens to unfortunately call me… etc .

Fun was had by both small and .. ..er .. not so small human.

Therein lay the problem

I did not get the Doctor’s recommended 100hrs sleep crammed into 2 days.

Not fun.

Now, I have three ‘side effects’ of lack of enough sleep:

1 night lack of sleep: Hyperactivity

2 nights lack of sleep: Patience Quotient negative 20 and below

3 or more nights’ lack of sleep: You might as well take a running jump down a very short plank

Which is where boss lady came in .. today!

…. and, she started calling me on and off, and kept interrupting what I was doing. Yes, I know there is something called ‘work’ and that it is something that we do, that somebody pays us in kind or cash to, and that we do not necessarily have to like it to do it.

That is not the issue here.

So I walk up to BL and I ask where the fire was, and she told me where it was (or wasn’t), and although I wasn’t pissed or angry but impatient with her, I told her that she should ‘think’ before she asks me to do something, ask herself if it is an emergency or it can wait. And if it can wait, and it is in my mandate then she does not need to inform, advice, direct or remind me to do it, procrastination notwithstanding.

She goes: For a young lady, you do not need to speak to me like I am a child

Self: For a mature woman, you do not need to behave like one

Impasse: Staring game: Let’s see who backs down first: defiant look on face: completely indifferent to the outcome

Few minutes later

Self: Are we agreed here?

BL: Yes, we are

RESULT

I do not normally ‘get into it’ with anyone – I just can’t be asked to ‘fight’ with people. Anyone who knows me know that you push, I get out of the way and you fall on your behind – or like some people are wont to say: I ignore and dismiss people.

But of late, and after a conversation I had with some human whose mental faculties have more knots and strings than mine, I realised that I give people too much leeway to take advantage of my good nature – and because I am soft (in all the right places), I come across as either timid or complacent in arguments- or the lack thereof.

So, even though I have been told a million and one times that I can’t be a B**** because my first instinct is to be ‘nice’ – well, to hell with it – I will take no prisoners from now on (sob – easier said that done). This nice by default human is getting metamorphosed.

And, and, and ….

For anyone who might think that I do ….

I do not

Give a f*, that is.

I am just too polite to say it.

THERE, I said it.

And the world still turns, and nobody has died.

Psst: YOU really are a bad influence (although I am still giggling like a mad person over what transpired yesternite - I can has no sleep?
.. and this ↑ .. is all on you - you know whose door I am knocking on when I haven't got a job anymore - or even if I have one, Kent (sing: It's not eeeeeaaaasssssyyyy, to be me)

Oh, Jesus

2008-04-11T18:44:00.003-04:00

This Spring-Cleaning business is a weird one - I suppose you cannot necessarily chuck stuff out without actually looking at them to see if you might need them at a later date, (Recycle - the possibilities are endless – (I always loved that advert in the UK where a can becomes all these things including a plane that flies away .. )) or emptying the recycle bin.

The first part of this Spring-Cleaning was of the human category – this was a bit daunting because as I have said somewhere here, well, some humans did not take kindly to being relegated to the bin– literally – and they have gone to great lengths to show their disdain. That in itself doesn’t bother me one bit, although it does kinda tend to grate that same humans cannot particularly be ‘buried’ for life as they are somehow attached to my immediate family. Having said that, I tend to console myself time and again that I am not responsible for what other ‘apparently mature, intelligent, responsible’ human specimen do – or say.

Furthering that thought, I went spring-cleaning my brain of memories that I needed to purge – the brain debris therein is immense – and that is the least of that problem. Let me just say this: I have mental images that would make me a big chunk of change – maybe on Youtube or something. Sometimes I would be going about my business innocently and then one image will jump into the forefront of my mind and I would just go: Oh, Jesus. Needless to say, I should borrow a leaf out of Charlie (of Two and a Half Men) and drink alcohol until the part of my brain that stores images is obliterated – only I am no longer drinking alcohol (hopefully not forever, but for now), and coffee, last time I checked, only manages to make you hyper and water is useful in cleaning a whole lot – but not the brain (unless it is outside of skull).

Let me let on something here – having a photographic memory might be considered a blessing – and it is – but there is nothing like a free lunch I tell ya. Looking at a date on a calendar and ‘seeing’ any memories or significance stored therein attached to it might tag me as a ‘thoughtful’ person who remembers all your birthdays and anniversaries and when Cutified last got his shot, or the colour of a formula can in a supermarket or where in the Sunday papers (in their entirety, including the unsolicited marketing junk) a sentence I read in an entry was, days/weeks/months later(section, page, column, placement, font, colour and all), without relying on anyone/thing to remind me – but it also means I do not have a sieve that stores all the good memories and lets the bad ones slide.

Whenever someone asks me something and I say: I cannot remember – people who know me know so well that that is bullshit – fair and square (is it not disc-shaped). In a fairly recent conversation with an afore-mentioned human, a question was asked of I, and there followed a pause of about 3 seconds from both sides, and human then goes ahead and says:

H: See?

G: What?

H: You stalled, you are formulating a lie

G: I swear I forgot

H: No you did not forget. I know how your mind works, and you are stalling because your first instinct is to tell the truth, and you are a lousy liar so you need to stall to find a plausible way around this one.

G: I was thinking about it.

H: (Derisive laugh). That 3 second stall was enough for your brain to have gone through multiple scenarios before deciding on telling a lie – so do not bullshit me.

Seems I can never win, for losing.

‘Oh, Jesus’ moments have provided some chuckles here and there, and some blushing too – but I am learning to forgive myself cos I am learning that yes, I am as human as the rest of them (Keep saying that G, you might actually come to believe it).

On another note, this post was conceived of a lull moment in my afternoon schedule and since a certain human that keeps me occupied with mid-morning/afternoon giggles was MIA (I can has no talk Friday? [Pout]), I decided to do a Spring-Clean of my files on the laptop. And boy, after a few ‘Oh, Jesus’ reads, did I have to get self a coffee, in a mug?

I had written something waay back when (months, in increments of ….er .. pick a number), and at the end of it was a ‘claimer’ that said that when I got to read what I had written two or (insert the increment) months later, I would cringe cos I couldn’t believe that I had actually written that – or worse still, thought it. Oh Jesus, whatever it was that I was smoking then ought to have been discontinued.

Or another one I had written about a stupid crush I had on somebody a year (insert increments here again) – this I couldn’t bring myself to delete because it was hilariously absurd – seriously, I mean, was I on drugs? Not when writing it, I believe I wasn’t even on coffee when I wrote it – but when I was having a mini-crush on said individual. Oh, Jesus – I hope no one ever finds that out cos I would have to obliterate self – brain images alone wouldn’t do.

Or that email that has been sitting in the ‘draft’ section for … (insert increments again) – Oh, Jesus. That got deleted on the double – it was embarrassing even to self to read it – another reason to call the name of the Lord in vain – I have to add.

Needless to say, I did ask Jesus to wait for me to forgive myself before I asked for forgiveness – hence why His name features shamelessly here.

As I continue Spring-Cleaning my life, and hoping that I will not have to obliterate myself before it is ‘satisfactorily’ complete – I have to live with and re-live some memories and mental images that I wish in another lifetime, I will come back as a goldfish.

AOB: Happy Birthday Big Bro. Although I could do with not being branded with the cutie girlie pet names, you are the best big brother in the whole wide world, and I love you and miss you to bits.

‘For Sick n Sin’

Cascade effect – Idiot Proofing

2008-04-08T15:15:00.003-04:00

It is common knowledge that ‘they’ did not install the patience gene when they were creating 'The G’ – which follows that there is very little that catches and keeps my attention for long – especially when it has ‘stoopidity’ attached to it.

I may not be the sharpest tool in the box, but I definitely could give Stephen Hawkins a run for his money when it comes to some people. Seriously people, at least if your faculties are a bit challenged you should pepper them with a bit of humour, or creativity, or activity, or just do not show your face – either one will do but just do not ask me stupid questions and expect me to stand there and be all sweet and honey about it. Not today.

Today, I designate it an ‘Idiot Proof Day’.

I will not tell you about people who cannot do simple mental sums

I will not tell you about people who cannot ‘communicate’ clearly

I will not tell you about people who ‘assume’ things without clearing them out

I will not even try to say anything about the above being done last minute

I will, when not telling you about the fact that the animal previously known as ‘common sense’ is not altogether common, and it sure as hell isn’t a sense, and thereby reiterate that if you know where to find one, please make an appointment with Specsavers – cos you might need their services, and soonest.

I will clearly raise my eyebrows (The Rock has nothing on me) and look at you blankly when you ask me something that any village idiot worth their weight would point out for free.

I will sit and wonder, at your expense, and hopefully within full hearing range of you, how in the world people of your calibre manage to still be alive, and well, and not under the wheels of a ‘steam engine’ cos I would expect they went out with same.

I will then, exasperated, proceed to take whatever implement, be it pen, book, scalpel (I am sure that is a typo, cos nobody in their right mind (left, even) would ever let me near one of those), or a pneumatic drill (hopefully this can be upgraded to a seismic vibrator) and show you how to ‘do’ whatever it is you are supposed to do with it – oh wait, that is not right – I will do what you were meant to do, in double-speed, and leave you wondering if I am insane – which I will save you the question by answering in the affirmative. See, I am a staunch believer in ‘If you want something done well, do it yourself’ – delegation notwithstanding.

Having said that, I was thinking about something that pissed me off today – the fact that a (please don’t say stupid person, cos you do not know them well enough, they might just be confused about… oh forget it) idiotic human specimen robbed me of a day set aside to spend with Cutified Little Human – how uncool is that? The one person that makes me smile even at 2am – with my eyes half closed and my back and arms aching and flailing all over the place cos I have been standing for hours because he cries everytime I sit down cos he prefers I stand so I can walk him around for ages while he strangles me with my chain and talks endlessly about ‘God knows what 31/2 month old babies babble about’, and when he sleeps and I put him down he opens his eyes like he was never asleep and gives me a wide toothless smile that says: ‘Sucker! If you think I am gonna give up that tight hug so easily, you’ve got another think coming. Pick me up, Scottie’ – if there were ever manipulative 3.5month olds, he is the gang leader. And I had to give that up for a complete stranger who had no courtesy whatsoever and hasn’t got two neurons to string together to make a coherent thought. Ok so I am pissed.

Let me see if ‘I’ have a coherent thought strung together:

(Disclaimer: I have had a few cups of coffee, so I am not responsible for confusing the hell out of anybody. That is all you, seriously)

It is presumed that the world runs on some sort of ordered chaos (ok, I made that up, give me a minute), and I am also guessing that things happen in a sort of order that is determined by what happened before. No shit?

Look at it in the same concept as ripples in water – and widen the circumference a little more – ok so a whole lot more – and the question I am asking is, when does the ripple effect stop – even when it is infinitesimal and its effect has waned, but it is (or is it?) still there.

Case in point: Previously Identified Idiotic specimen cancelled on me today, which in effect means I cancelled on my Cutified Detail, which in effect had my sister scurrying around for a babysitter, she found her ‘regular’ who had an appointment elsewhere, which she had to cancel to accommodate Cutified. Now, in a wide weird world, that may not seem much to anyone (and actually quite dull if you think about it – but then again even a dull thought has to come from somewhere, and it is still pissing me off, so there).

How far, and how effective is my dull thought and its reverberations? In its dull-ality, probably not much of the regular world has been unseated by it, but what if?

What if, say, the babysitter was supposed to spend the day with her niece and take her to the beach (it is a beautiful day, so I can only dream for others), and while she was busy sunning herself, her niece wanders into the water and drowns, but because she cancelled her day off to spend with cutified, her niece gets to live another day? (I am not aware if she has nieces, give me a break).

Or she had promised to spend the day with Jane*, but she can’t because she has cutified, and Jane decides to do her weekly shopping instead, and while there buys a lottery ticket, and wins millions. (See, not all doom and gloom). Do I need to do the math for you still, or are we together…?

What I am asking is – (and please do not give me that crap of ‘all things happen for a reason blah blah’) is how things happen how they were supposed to happen? And, if I could have seen today yesterday, would today look exactly like it did yesterday, and if PIIS hadn’t cancelled on me, would the rest of the world look like it does today? Does my inconvenience today mean that somebody I do not even know exist is having the best or worst day of their life?

Would this dull thought have crossed my mind, and invaded your thought processes today?

Our actions and/or omissions do impact on other people’s everyday lives – and sometimes we think of the ‘obvious’ effects, the ones that we anticipate – like being late for work, and missing a deadline, and having your boss pissed, and he giving you a hard time, and you going for a drink instead of home, and being caught DUI, and spending a night in jail where you meet Luthor who ‘likes you very much’ – Ooooh Kay, thought process abandoned..

But what about the non-obvious ones? I am aware that for these there is nothing we can do to avoid or lessen the impact or negate their effectiveness or something, anything – but what are they?

Think about it.

AOB: Has anyone ever seen a baby squirrel? I has seen one – cutest thing I ever saw.

The Observatory

2008-04-05T18:10:00.003-04:00

I am cracking myself up on the regular these days – mainly in observation mode. I am perched up there, and sometimes over there in the corner, just observing the world turn, and taking notes. To say all is well in my corner of the crust is to say the truth.

Observatory Level 22: Mighty Mouse - Juvenility notwithstanding, this is lower than a hedgehog’s lair. Am I in any shape or form supposed to react in any …er… well, shape or form? The cracker jack in this one being that like a certain governator .. “You will be back” – hopefully not through T5.

Observatory Level 1: Kitchen - I definitely need to stop taking coffee – my brain is registering 9.0 on the Richter scale

Observatory Level 1.5: Mezzanine - This is less cracking up and more just cracking. I am in no way an expert at relationships – worse still, I did remove myself from that arena a while back owing to the fact that I do not feel ready to ‘get to know’ anyone else before I ‘spring-clean my house’ – which is going very well Thanks for asking – actually I do believe said house is now sparkling clean – although it ain’t ready for tenants and/or buyer occupiers (now that is another reason to crack self up) – I know we need a few more alterations (and hopefully no altercations) before we are ready to allow viewers.

But this level isn’t about me – I am just an observer here.

Somebody I care about deeply is slowly disappearing in heartache that they are hiding in plain sight – and there is absolutely nothing I can do until they are ready to come out and admit it both to themselves and people that care for them. Problem is, the ‘causer’ of the hurt is someone who is also in the same ‘circle of trust’ – although that is observed with impunity. I hate when people are so irredeemably stupid and then walk around like they are owed some awe by the world for their stupidity. But then again, why am I surprised, really? Did I, and by extension others, not see this one coming from a mile off – including the one hurting in this 20/20 visionary indiscretion?

Like I told human who told me to broach subject with the subject on the receiving end: Once bitten twice shy – on my part that is – I know quite well how to play deaf, dumb and blind this time round - and I also noted that although I cannot protect people that I love from hurt and heartbreak, I can be there to provide support and kiss it better after they fall – so they can learn from their mistakes and be careful next time round.

As he begins to raise his voice
You lower yours and grant him one last choice
Drive until you lose the road
Or break with the ones you've followed
He will do one of two things
He will admit to everything
Or he'll say he's just not the same
And you'll begin to wonder why you came

The Fray: How to save a life

Observatory Level 17.5: Paradigm shift – I know if I say something like everyday is a new day, some smart-ass human is gonna say something akin to ‘no shit sherlock’ - and they would be right. However, I do believe the Man upstairs and I have come to some sort of level of understanding – this from an observatory perspective, mind – and He is of the opinion that I need a break – seeing as I have been so good and all – and for that reason (and others that I cannot claim to know about) I cannot remember a time when I was happier, or more content with my life, or sleeping better, or being more patient with people – especially the most beautiful human being on the planet – oh and my nephew too LOL - or felt so loved, and appreciated, and useful (doing), and appreciative, and useful (being done), and loving and active, and bright and intelligent, and sociable, and oh, there is always the downside – I am waaaay too cheeky, and I am taking too much coffee, and getting too amused when people do stuff that is supposed to evoke a reaction from me, and it doesn’t, and it pisses them off.

Admittedly, no one/nothing has changed noticeably, only me.

Good change.

For that, I have a spring in my step and in my season too.

Aaaaannndddd - I nearly forgot: Then there are the dreams.

Ohhh the dreams.

Have you ever woken up from a really weird-in-a-very-good-way dream and gone:

What was that?!

Well, that is me every morning!

Viscousity (End of an Error)

2008-04-03T21:56:00.003-04:00

Nine years and four months later – that is how long it took – I would chalk it down to procrastination, procreation, progression or some pro or the other, but the truth is – well, it just is.

I have asked myself that question a whole lot in the last couple of days, and I sincerely was left bereft. How did I allow it to drag this long? How in the world does a ‘non-relationship’ relationship last that long? Most marriages, no wait, most lives do not last that long.

Egotistical rub whose friction was only felt by others – that is the only definition of it I could come up with that made sense – how is that for insightful hindsight?

Now that we know how long it took, what did it take?

Funny you should ask, cos I have been asking that too – and as my friend asked me the other day: What did you do? (It is always assumed by all that I have to have done something for something to happen – cause and effect you say? More like ‘affect’, but .. – well, ‘Why does it have to be I that had to have done something?’ Oh sorry, there was a question in there somewhere:

Answer: It is what I didn’t do.

So what else is new?

According to him, I dismiss people. At last somebody put it into words – I always wondered. Jeez I am doing it again – dismissing the dismissal: stop.

Well, how long and what has been covered.

Why?

(Shrug)

I dismissed him – is that an answer? No?

Ok, I got bored. Now that is an answer.

I got bored of having the bar set too high and slightly to the right – being more left oriented, I found I had to stretch and turn every time I needed to reach (make of that what you will, even I don’t know yet what that means - my brain has a mind all of its own)

That said, for the first time in my dating life, I can say in all sincerity that I have no ghost baggage (I think it would be wise to check with T5, they seem to be losing it in transition, or is it apparition?).

3 Years Ago ....

2008-02-10T04:15:00.000-05:00

... I started blogging here
I had envisaged a portal for my thoughts and a chronological archive of my shenanigans
I think I accomplished both, but somehow I seem to have lost traction on where I am
Not to worry ..

In the three years though, apart from having some (not a lot though, although .. well ..) of insight into my thought processes, and sometimes thoughtless ones too, I have realized a few hundred things.

Not in any sort of order, even I am not that organised :)

* During the 3yrs, I have made a lot of friends - some of them some of the most amazing people that I will have the pleasure of knowing. From Kui and Mshairi welcoming me, to Mental mentoring me, to Ms K being absolutely fabulous, to Nick bullying me, to Mr. Unmentionables, well, not mentioning them, to Akiey being my rock, to M being .. well .... M, to >d® just being, all the boys and girls. Most of the above I have met face to face, (Hi Archer), some accidentally and some by default, the were the EGMs and the Aegeus', the Nakeels , the Prous (+ baby) and the Shiroh's (Hi neighbour, wanna go check on my dog Thomas???) Aunties and Uncles (Hi Blue) and everyone in between. Most of this was accomplished in the first year only - and it was amazing to boot. I would never ever change any one of those situations .. including the blog wars LOLOL, and the 'G Crush of 2005'

Speaking of which (this is where you insert: Oh For God's sake (unless you prefer the more profane word)), I still have a blogcrush - and the worst part of it is that it is the same person from way back when, and yes, he did make the cut back then too. Yes I know, I know, no one would ever believe me if I even tried to spin this one again, but good thing is that I am not asking, I am telling. Having said that, he is one of the best friends I have and I wouldn't put that on the line for anything else. So there ..

Speaking of friendships, a friend of ours on blog wrote a thesis suggesting that he does not believe in friendships after relationships. Hi over there, now that you have disproved your theory, can we get a retraction (on the thesis, not the friendship, *sob*)

I have also learnt much about myself - how I interact with people, how easy I find it to form friendships and ties and how loyal I can be as a friend. But I also know that I am a bum at keeping in touch with people. It is like I go with seasons. There is a time where there will be a staccato of information flowing both ways, and there will be time when the traffic is one way, then it dwindles to drips and drops and then zero. What I know is that 9/10 this is in no way a reflection of the person on the other end, it is my behind that is lagging . . . er .. behind and for that I am willing to make an effort.

I also know that I love waaaayyyyy too hard. When I love somebody (both romantic and/or platonic), I will do anything for them (within boundaries, of course) and I do that with my whole heart - but I also know that a person can say and do something that they might not even think is that significant, and I retract like I have been shot - and I am sure that happens to other people too so I am not unique. I seriously hate it when friends betray friends, I hate when people hurt other people, I hate when people lie and cheat, I hate dishonesty. I know I am not perfect, but I try the best to my ability to live without harming self or others (oh and animals too, including rodents).

I also know that where I am in life, I am blessed. I have traveled around, seen a lot, loved, lived. I may not be where I want to be just yet. I may not have accomplished everything I would have wanted to. I may not have made the wisest choices in my life - in fact, there are times when I have been careless, stupid, and irresponsible - but I know that there is always room for improvement and as long as I am breathing and sane, I can always make those improvements and will strive to be a better person all round. God blessed me with a big heart, a sane brain, and a bigger than average outlook - I think I will be okay.

Having said that, after three years of making myself cringe, laugh, cry, sing, dance, make fun of other people and self, laugh at myself, tell of my woes about love, life, write half-assed poems and quote songs, cuss out a few people (probably not, but .. ) I think it is time to say 'later'.
It will not be forever, of course - where would I be without my writing and you reading it? But it will have to do for now. I need to concentrate on being out there so that when I come back in here, I will have something worth reading to write about.

And of course, I will let you know where when I know where where is.

(This being a promise I intend to keep - I am on email guessaurus at gmail com - and I will reply to your emails if/when received, promptly [kicks self])

Till then - God bless, Thank You, Goodbye
I will see you all on your blogs.

Over and Out

Walking on ...

2005-04-20T08:00:00.000-04:00

AUTOBIOGRAPHY IN FIVE SHORT CHAPTERS
by Portia Nelson

I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk
I fall in.
I am lost ... I am helpless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes me forever to find a way out.

II

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in the same place
but, it isn't my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

III

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in ... it's a habit.
my eyes are open
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

IV

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

V

I walk down another street.

Bad news

2005-02-10T09:59:00.000-05:00

There are quite a few issues affecting the world today in my opinion that kick as much as the Iraq war. Its on your TV, in the papers, on the radio. You cannot ignore it and yes, even if you are powerless to do anything about the deaths, humiliations, tortures and lies, at least you cant plead ignorance.

But hey, the leaders are saying "It wasn't me", the world is looking on and the rest of us are just complaining about it. I am not qualified to expound on the issues arising and affecting this region of the world, but all I can say is that someone said it better than me.

Check this out:

http://www.whatreallyhappened.com/thebadnews target="_blank">Bad News

http://www.whatreallyhappened.com/thebadnews.html

Makes interesting and sobering reading. Like I always say: The world is going to hell and its taking all of us with it.