Friday, October 15, 2010

Grounding Nomads (Without the animals)

Sooo, it has been a couple of looong minutes since I wrote something here, or anywhere else come to think of it. Where I write, very few see, and where I see .. ok, it sounded good in my head. What has one been doing for the last, oh, lets see .. seven months since I was last here? Well, mainly being alive, I would think, considering I know a few humans who haven't (long story) but generally just being a pain in the arse for all those who come across the G.

The main culprit being The hub - seeing as it is 8 months tomorrow since we got married, I was thinking about the whole institution of marriage this morning while I got ready and I have to say, I am faring rather well, for a person who used to scoff at it like a dog does at something it wouldn't be caught dead eating, and trust me it has to be something rather .. . well .. unsavoury for a dog to scoff at - I grew up with dogs (not like that, damnit) and we all know there is little that dogs in Kenya will not eat - little.

So what is my secret to a happy 8 month long marriage, I asked myself at some oh-so-not-yet-alive-hour of this morning? It is simple really, I allowed myself to allow someone else to love me the way 'they' wanted to love me. Not how I wanted them to, not how 'it' is supposed to be done, how THEY knew how. And that, ladies and gents, is how.

Needless to say I have been in one (or ten) relationships before, some good, some downright unnecessary, some with savoury characters, some with some wholly unacceptable members of the human populace, and once, just once, I nearly had one with a member of the same sex as Sarah Palin (do not even start) - ok, so that was sex - but I reserve the right to confuse the boundaries. And I do suppose it all led me to this moment of clarity, when I realised that I really did not necessarily allow myself, or any of these poor excuses for relationships, to progress to a point where I, and I alone, let go of my preconceived notions that the idea that another person might just want to have some sort of companionship, and recreation sex (although sometimes I have to agree I was duped into wanting to procreate, but I caught it in time) without needing to wholly own me, control me, come closer (Ne-Yo song in my entry? Oh, dear!). Where was I? Yes, at some point in any relationship I would reach a point where I would be like: Shit, if I continue like this, they are going to move in their kitchen sink and I have to live with them forever and that will never happen. Squirrel!

I have no idea why, but after a few months (and/or sometimes dates) people would feel the need to move their beings and belongings into my abode, and forgive me for having some sort of male commitment phobia, but don't men panic so fast when you leave your toothbrush or 'forget' your panties in their house? Why then would a fully grown and functional (ok, this, I am telling myself, but the specimen might have to speak for themselves) human male do the same to me and expect me to ask him if he needs extra closet space? Maybe I was just being territorial, but even someone like me who suffers from chronic niceness syndrome wakes up one day and says f* this, I really dont want to see your ass in the morning again (yes, literally and figuratively) and make up a damn good excuse that sounds a tad more intelligent (and intelligible) than: It is not you, it is me (but which, truth be told, it was them - but in a reverse sort of twisted way, it really was me).

What is so special about this relationship then - cos it really is just a relationship but with the whole 'til death do us part' part attached to it - that I found myself willing to go the whole hog, as they say? I actually do not know. I have been with brilliant guys before, sexy guys before, genuine, dedicated, caring, loving, nurturing, smarty pants, pisstakingly stubborn, maddening, dead funny, cute guys who could cook better than your grandmother and all your aunts put together, clean to a fault, make you smile even when you really want to crawl into a corner and cry, actually make you cry and allow you to without any guilt, make you feel like you want to throw them through the window, only to realize that you aint that strong, actually allow you to push them off the bed to the floor and look on amazed as you laugh so hard that you cant breathe cos you think it is the funniest shit on the planet and then lovingly pick you off the floor and put you to bed because they are afraid that you are going to pass out with laughter, make love to you - fast, slow, lazy, energetic - actually let you take the presidential detail - you know, when you need to have a briefing and put in a jog at the same time, but make a last 100M sprint with fireworks? (I'll leave you to figure that one out) - do the marathon, a sprint, the relay or any combination thereof? A man who just makes it so easy to love them, so easy to allow you to allow them to love you?

Ok, so I haven't had one of these before - hence why I married him LOLOL.

Don't get me wrong, we do have the downside like in every relationship. If there was a stubbornness competition we would tie, taking the piss is de rigeur in our household - sometimes with undesirable results when you go too far, there is the ex-factor from both sides who wont give up the ghost, really! - even though both of them are in other relationships (I suppose it is hard to replace a good thing, no?). There is also the sometimes visible and audible cultural differences - cue stubbornness on either side, family (try getting married to an Italian family with a Matriach that dont take 'NO' as an option) - and the whole Black swagga thing thrown in the mix - among other things.

When two very strong personalities come together, there is bound to be fireworks, good and bad. We are learning to take that and use it to get a better hold of who we are when we are together, and apart, and give each other room to grow as part of a couple, and as separate entities too (Did someone actually pay me to say that shit, or did I just make it up myself?)

Anyway here is the deal - I am new at this, and so far so good. I think I am more amazed that I actually went through with it than anyone else, including The hub from The Hub or my family, who I think are still stuck at WTF happened? stage LOL.

But, the most amazing thing is that I actually got lucky enough to find someone like him in the first place, to get to know him, love him, and get married to him, and actually stay grounded long enough to allow him to show me what real love and commitment and all that goes with it is all about.

Better yet, I allowed myself to be loved like this! I may be a nomad without the animals, but I finally found my pasture!

Now that's What's Up?

And how have you been ;)


At Wednesday, November 03, 2010 3:01:00 pm, Anonymous Gish said...

I cant stop smiling am still happy for you two. Aint love grand.

At Tuesday, August 27, 2013 4:06:00 am, Anonymous Ms K said...

Haiya, it's been a while...


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