Oh, Jesus

This Spring-Cleaning business is a weird one - I suppose you cannot necessarily chuck stuff out without actually looking at them to see if you might need them at a later date, (Recycle - the possibilities are endless – (I always loved that advert in the UK where a can becomes all these things including a plane that flies away .. )) or emptying the recycle bin.

The first part of this Spring-Cleaning was of the human category – this was a bit daunting because as I have said somewhere here, well, some humans did not take kindly to being relegated to the bin– literally – and they have gone to great lengths to show their disdain. That in itself doesn’t bother me one bit, although it does kinda tend to grate that same humans cannot particularly be ‘buried’ for life as they are somehow attached to my immediate family. Having said that, I tend to console myself time and again that I am not responsible for what other ‘apparently mature, intelligent, responsible’ human specimen do – or say.

Furthering that thought, I went spring-cleaning my brain of memories that I needed to purge – the brain debris therein is immense – and that is the least of that problem. Let me just say this: I have mental images that would make me a big chunk of change – maybe on Youtube or something. Sometimes I would be going about my business innocently and then one image will jump into the forefront of my mind and I would just go: Oh, Jesus. Needless to say, I should borrow a leaf out of Charlie (of Two and a Half Men) and drink alcohol until the part of my brain that stores images is obliterated – only I am no longer drinking alcohol (hopefully not forever, but for now), and coffee, last time I checked, only manages to make you hyper and water is useful in cleaning a whole lot – but not the brain (unless it is outside of skull).

Let me let on something here – having a photographic memory might be considered a blessing – and it is – but there is nothing like a free lunch I tell ya. Looking at a date on a calendar and ‘seeing’ any memories or significance stored therein attached to it might tag me as a ‘thoughtful’ person who remembers all your birthdays and anniversaries and when Cutified last got his shot, or the colour of a formula can in a supermarket or where in the Sunday papers (in their entirety, including the unsolicited marketing junk) a sentence I read in an entry was, days/weeks/months later(section, page, column, placement, font, colour and all), without relying on anyone/thing to remind me – but it also means I do not have a sieve that stores all the good memories and lets the bad ones slide.

Whenever someone asks me something and I say: I cannot remember – people who know me know so well that that is bullshit – fair and square (is it not disc-shaped). In a fairly recent conversation with an afore-mentioned human, a question was asked of I, and there followed a pause of about 3 seconds from both sides, and human then goes ahead and says:

H: See?

G: What?

H: You stalled, you are formulating a lie

G: I swear I forgot

H: No you did not forget. I know how your mind works, and you are stalling because your first instinct is to tell the truth, and you are a lousy liar so you need to stall to find a plausible way around this one.

G: I was thinking about it.

H: (Derisive laugh). That 3 second stall was enough for your brain to have gone through multiple scenarios before deciding on telling a lie – so do not bullshit me.

Seems I can never win, for losing.

‘Oh, Jesus’ moments have provided some chuckles here and there, and some blushing too – but I am learning to forgive myself cos I am learning that yes, I am as human as the rest of them (Keep saying that G, you might actually come to believe it).

On another note, this post was conceived of a lull moment in my afternoon schedule and since a certain human that keeps me occupied with mid-morning/afternoon giggles was MIA (I can has no talk Friday? [Pout]), I decided to do a Spring-Clean of my files on the laptop. And boy, after a few ‘Oh, Jesus’ reads, did I have to get self a coffee, in a mug?

I had written something waay back when (months, in increments of ….er .. pick a number), and at the end of it was a ‘claimer’ that said that when I got to read what I had written two or (insert the increment) months later, I would cringe cos I couldn’t believe that I had actually written that – or worse still, thought it. Oh Jesus, whatever it was that I was smoking then ought to have been discontinued.

Or another one I had written about a stupid crush I had on somebody a year (insert increments here again) – this I couldn’t bring myself to delete because it was hilariously absurd – seriously, I mean, was I on drugs? Not when writing it, I believe I wasn’t even on coffee when I wrote it – but when I was having a mini-crush on said individual. Oh, Jesus – I hope no one ever finds that out cos I would have to obliterate self – brain images alone wouldn’t do.

Or that email that has been sitting in the ‘draft’ section for … (insert increments again) – Oh, Jesus. That got deleted on the double – it was embarrassing even to self to read it – another reason to call the name of the Lord in vain – I have to add.

Needless to say, I did ask Jesus to wait for me to forgive myself before I asked for forgiveness – hence why His name features shamelessly here.

As I continue Spring-Cleaning my life, and hoping that I will not have to obliterate myself before it is ‘satisfactorily’ complete – I have to live with and re-live some memories and mental images that I wish in another lifetime, I will come back as a goldfish.

AOB: Happy Birthday Big Bro. Although I could do with not being branded with the cutie girlie pet names, you are the best big brother in the whole wide world, and I love you and miss you to bits.

‘For Sick n Sin’