Sunday, April 26, 2009


It has been an unbelievable three weeks of my life. I have cried - seriously- without any guilt attached to it, for the longest time. Cutified looks at me funny and pokes at my eyes cos he is used to them being so red that he is not sure white (or somesuch colour) is natural. Poor 51/2 tooth.

DABDA (Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance) doesn't work for me. I only did Anger, Anger, Anger, Depression, and Anger. I know it is early days yet, but heck, I am yet to talk to God - and trust me, blasphemy notwithstanding, this is not gonna be pretty. He and I have a bone to chew - and it ought not to be one that has a modicum of cannibalism attached to it. I did mention anger about 4/5 times, no?

The only Saving Grace has been the incredible 'D' daunting a 3 continent jaunt to get his pretty behind over here so he can give me that 'almighty' signature 'hug' cos he couldn't let me go through something like this without talking to me f2f, but unfortunatemently, I did let him know beforehand that we weren't gonna talk about my dead nephew for God or Country - and he is prone to loyalties - oh, and Royalty; if I were to go down that route - so we were on the same page on that. He commandeered my presence for 24hrs so he can 'pamper' me and get my mind off things - which was not an easy feat to accomplish - and yes, we did it - albeit with a detour to a teary mention - including his 'he has gone to a better place' gaffe that elicited a 'who the 'F' decided he needed to be anywhere else but here - (and who the heck knows whether there is anything out there that he is going be safer in but with what he had here (unvoiced, I should add)).''

He understands 'Merican' better than I am liable to admit.
I, on the other hand, is liable to botch my way through this one
I speak English - take the first shot if you are so inclined
Hands up; I take the piss any chance I get (Literally and figuratively :) )

I has it
In shades of gray

Over to you

Thursday, April 16, 2009

Broken Wings

These broken wings ..
And learn to fly again

(This has taken me days to even think of writing, but, lets proceed .. )

This song is the first thing I thought about when I first let myself think about the fact that you were never going to go: 'Auntie, unajua this and that - lets go find it' - or you wanted me to hang with your friends in a club cos you thought I was the 'coolest' human in our family. Or you wanted to permanently borrow something I owned. Oh, it wasn't borrow, it was 'part of family property to be appropriated at will'. Or when you wanted to show off how cool you were for my 'impression'. Or when ....

You stuck to me like glue whenever I came home - you stuck to me like glue when you were a kid - I was a kid too, but taxed with looking after you cos -- well, I could. Then I went away, and came back to find a man - or rather a man-boy. You always tried to act like you were responsible for my safety or my entertainment or just so you can hang out with me and avoid being given stuff to do.

I may or may not have told you how proud I was for the person you were - you looked after mum - and dad - outside of their kids' presence. You were responsible, but still wanted to be a kid. Wanted to be treated like one when the moment called for it. I know cos I want to be treated like a daughter or a sister sometimes instead of the parent or the 'responsible one'. So we shared that, among other things.

Now, I will never see you again. Ever.
They put you to your resting place yesterday
And I do not even know when the tears are likely to stop
If ever.

Thinking about you dead is probably the hardest thing I ever had to do
Thinking about you in a box, six feet under, is unbearable
This is absolutely the most awful thing that I do not know how to deal with

I will see you again, pal (Thanks for the other night)
I love you forever, Waweru
Now I can never look at my surname the same way again
So sorry to your mum and sister - they are braver than I would know what to do with

(Thank you everyone who sent their condolences - I am sorry that I shut down there for a moment, it is hard as hell, and I am trying - don't give up on me yet)