Thursday, July 31, 2008

Stalkerish Behaviour (Revisited)

Stalker Dude is at it again - even after ignoring him for a month plus change, he did not even give up. Had to even do international dialling code and s*** - saying stuff like 'London is not the same without you, I wish you agreed to come with me'. Seriously, I am thinking of restraining orders of the telephone, email and text message persuasion - oh, and flights too, if I may add.

To add insult to injury, he had the audacity to act all prissy and all when he got back, and after harassing my siblings (yes, after 3 whole years, dude still has my siblings' cell phone numbers and land line - who keeps that stuff after having broken up with someone for 3 yrs?) forever, writing me numerous emails, sending text messages and calling twice a day - saying that I didn't return his phone calls and that he was upset with me.

So the other night, I was feeling in a generous mood, so decided that after the third phone call of the day, I would answer and get this mess over with. Yeah, I know, my middle name is procrastinator - and I knew that the reason I refused to answer or reply was because I didnt want to have 'this' conversation. And, taking the bull by the horns, answering I did. And Guess what? EEeeeeerrrrrrr ... dude was rather upset. Annnndddd Guess what again? I was laughing so hard (inside) that I was internally combusting - which is my way of not probably walking through the wireless network and executing a human or two. But I am a lover, not a fighter.

After the usual pleasantries in a rather cool, calm, precise, very English voice (him), and my being addressed by my first name (normally it is Princess - LOL), I knew my work was cut out for me. Even in this summer heat, thawing a human or two was going to take some time. But I am not normally fazed by people who feel the need to get upset with me - and that day was no exception. I put on my best 'bullshitting outfit' - which, of course, I do not own - and to which one would have to be dumb to believe any 'bullshit' I was serving that day - I am never winning any Oscars - he proceeded to tell me how worried he had been about me, wondering if I was ill, or had moved to another continent (again, sigh) - to which I replied that if anything had happened to me, didnt he think that he would have found out from my sisters, seeing as he has been harassing them on the regular about my whereabouts - and mortality? Ha, there!

I have no idea why I do this - mainly when someone is giving me the third degree, I normally switch off - first off, to give them the feeling that they are important (or rather not, but they dont know that), second, because I want to get it over with so we don't have to do this again (and not because I give two hoots what the heck it is you are talking about), third, so I can inwardly laugh at the sort of crap people feel the need to spew to show how self-important they are compared to you, fourth, well, let us just say my mind jaywalks out of the room, so I possibly could only tell you what the topic was, but not the 'table of contents' LOL. I do not fight with people, and even worse, I do not know how to. The worse of it is that I couldn't give an f about fighting with anyone. If you have something to say - about a disagreement or something you would like me to do or not do, just say it and keep moving. I will take it under advisement and act accordingly. That is just my way. And that does piss people off mightily - and you Guessed it - (shrug).

You would have thought that Stalker Dude, having taken a flight from the woodlands (ok, down South) to come and 'sort stuff out and get closure' earlier in the year, he would have taken his own advice and kept moving. After telling me about how happy he is with his relationship, how everything is going well, how now he is happy it is all sorted and he is ready to let me go and not still be hang up about me - I thought we could now enter a new phase of 'good friends'. And we did. Uptil he went back to the forest and realised that he probably had been talking out of his behind.

Phone calls and text messages and emails started right after he touched down his end of the runway. To tell me that he missed me and hadn't realised that seeing me would affect him like it did, and he didnt know what to do about that. How stupid he was to 'get involved with anyone else without first making sure what his feelings about me were, really'. They went on to include how he cannot sleep anymore, how he was wondering what I am doing - midnight text messages that went unanswered asking if I were asleep, can I talk? Expressing how his heart will break into little pieces if he ever found out that I was in love with someone [else?]. Saying that I was his soul-mate, and he will never love anyone as much as he loved me.

Bullshit. Is what!

Last time I checked, it was a long time since I was a teenager - that hogwash doesn't wash with me. Yes, I 'know' that he does love me - but I know that he loves himself more than he is likely to love anyone else. Myself included. And most of all, I realised that that diatribe was born of a look on my face he saw over dinner - a look that said 'You do not affect me like you used to, I am so over there, walking in the opposite direction'. He knew he had lost me, and could only keep me as a friend or nothing at all.

How do grown up, otherwise sensible people, with intelligence in their brains and common sense [albeit lacking in some instances] think they can walk around telling you how happy they are, then a bit later declare that they do not love the person they are with, and a breath later, tell you that they love you? And expect you to believe them? Nothing has changed there then?

So here we are, once again. I can see this one coming from a mile off.

Here are the steps:

Step 1: He realises that he is not as happy in his relationship as he wants to be, and thinks he would be happier with me. But, he hasn't got me, so the next best thing is ...

Step 2: Starts calling and texting me telling me he misses me and loves me blah blah .. I do not seem that fazed by it, and I am casual about it and maintain the friendship (helps that we have distance working for us (or against, depending on frame of reference))

Step 3: Gets pissed off that I am not as available for his ministrations as he would like - or that I am thoroughly ignoring him - thereby making his displeasure known.

Step 4: Which follows that I get bored of the whole 'prissy' behaviour and totally ignore him

Step 5: He gets worried that I will never speak to him again - and tries to regain level ground by going 'normal' on me.

Step 6: {Damn, this is the hardest one}: In one of our regular conversations, he will go very quiet and then in a very small voice he will ask me: (Insert first name of self) are you seeing anyone?

This has happened before (It is bound to have, seeing as we have known each other for nine and a half years) - and the last time there were tears involved when I answered in the affirmative (his, not mine, of course) - funny how I never ask if he is seeing someone, and when he tells me I am never jealous (I am never jealous of anyone I have dated dating someone else - I do not know why it never bothers me, which actually bothers me that it doesn't - crazy, I know - probably because I am able to look back and say: rather you than me LOL), and that really pissed me off because he had the audacity to cry - over the phone, at 3am in the morning - halfway across the world - because I was dating someone, while he had his girlfriend in the bedroom sleeping. WTF?

This is getting rather long .. sigh

We have already got to Step 4: Where I told him that I would leave him alone till he feels he can speak to me coherently, otherwise there was no point to any more conversations cos we have been here before, so he proceeded the next day with Step 5: - I got the text message saying how glad he is that I am ok, that nothing untoward has happened to me, that it was nice to hear my voice, and that the presents he got from London are on their way to me!



... Cos I got the text message last night saying: Princess, how are you? I miss you.. D xxx

I did not reply

I dont intend to reply

Because I know the minute I do, we will be right into Step 6 - and I am not ready to share The Gorgeous One with the world yet - only my immediate family is aware of his existence (yeah, you do not count, you are my virtual family LOL) and I am not letting him touch TGO with even a whisper or a breath - and I am not a liar, even a bad one - and why the hell should I be the one to shield him from feelings of being a selfish jerk anyway? Like I said before, he made his bed. I am standing by the agreement we made when he came over, that he will stop being possessive of me and let me get on with my life like I have done for him, so this time around, I am ready to say to him that the 'interests' we hold together, if he persists with holding them 'hostage', well, he can keep them. Money isnt everything.

As for the friendship?

Can someone remind me why you cannot really be friends with someone who wants to 'own' you?

Sunday, July 27, 2008

Inflight Entertainment ...

I has it :)

In droves
Or is it drivens?


Started straight after lift-off
In actuality, was 'during' lift-off
Continued thro'out the flight
Intermittently, of course
But never 'off-course'

Even after touch down
I was still plugged into the system
Still enjoying the 'taintment
All I could say was 'Damn'

Jet lag?
I has it
In drivens

(mixed metaphors notwithstanding, of course)
Still a little bit of ....

AOB: Happy Birthday, Sis
Cutified and Brother Outlaw are damned lucky to have you as Mother and Wife

(Walks away singing: Fly me to the moon)

Thursday, July 24, 2008

Here I stand

Like the first sighting of the moon over the horizon
Like the first taste of fresh, cold apple juice on a hot day
Like the look on Cutified when I am feeding him
Like holding your favourite author's book, unopened, crisp
Like looking in the mirror, when wearing your best shoes and attire, waiting to hear the world go: wow
Like the joyous sound of Mum when I say hello
Like when I make a surprise phone call to the speshul one, and I hear a chuckle
Like standing in the rain, exchanging little kisses not bothering about getting wet
Like getting into crisp clean sheets, just showered, naked
Like having someone wash your hair
Like the first time someone touches my skin and goes: wow, you are so soft
Like holding aforementioned book, knowing you are headed for a bed, with the rain thrashing the outside windows...


Thank You


Thursday, July 17, 2008

Getting Lifted

Or eated by mosquitoes, as it happens

The only person allowed (by self, of course) to lift me off my feet is my big brother, since I know he loves me more than I know what to do with – and he would not – well, wait for it – The Gorgeous One got me in a half beat – I have trust issues – let me fall.

I have trust issues? I never even thought about that one. (Scratches self again)

I trust that when I knelt to kiss you over the dinner table, while I was in the middle of cooking, and you scooped me up and span me over the oven – that you would take the mantle over from my big brother, and not drop me over the oven.

I trust that these are mosquito bites – gotten whilst you took me out to ‘watch the moonlight over the ocean’ and the stars and stuff – at midnight. I trust that was the most romantic date I have ever had with anyone. My trying to distract the coast guard? Icing on the .. well.. sand. Or getting ‘kicked out’ by the police? Who knew?

Scratches self again

Trust issues? What trust issues?

Ok, you got a point – or two, or well, loads of points.

I have spent so much time running away from everything and everyone that I do not even know if there is anything left to run away from anymore – and that includes myself.

And then I met you.

And I am giving a shit.

When you say that you love me, I look into your eyes, and I know that you mean it. And it scares the hell out of me. That is trust right there.

And I am left wondering what to be; the adult or the child.

I have always been the loved, not the lover. Now, I cannot tell.
I have always been in charge – the independent. Now, (shrug)
I have always been one step ahead – now I am lugging behind

Damn these mosque bites

Brother Outlaw tells me often enough that you are a ‘lucky bastard’ to be with someone like me. I beg to differ. I am the lucky one (and not a bastard, mind)

What is it?

Is it because I finally met my match?
Is it because I finally grew up and realised that the world is not just about me?

Scratches again – why do mosquitoes only bite legs and arms (notwithstanding the exposure, of course)?

I ache when I am not with you – serious and scientifically provable ache.

This is gonna upset a few human specimen – but finally, the G got got.
And not just by mosquitoes, or the coast guard.

Maybe it’s all in my mind.
But those eyes – damn those eyes
The way he looks at me
How they half-close when he is explaining something to me
Something that is important to him, and he wants me to understand it
And I am half listening, and half staring
And he chuckles and goes: ‘What?’
And I stop myself before I say: I am staring at your eyes – you could be talking about the weather for all I care – or about McCain (the rodent, not the politician – not that I can distinguish between the two) – but somehow I end up having multitasked and know exactly what he was talking about, without actively having participated in the conversation.

He makes me want to be a better person
(OK, I stole that off Jack Nicholson, but who asked anyway?)

Slaps face: Is it possible to get Malaria in ‘the Hub’?

Am I gonna read this in about a month and go: WTF was I thinking?

I was never good at this falling in love crap anyway – hence why I always took a back seat at it.
Or maybe it has always been my ‘defence mechanism’ to stop myself getting hurt, or letting go, or something.
Hence why I was quite ‘jolly’ at him lifting me, but screeching and telling him to let me go – which prompted the ‘trust issues’ mini-debate.
Or when I spent the night at the ‘snake house’ and I couldn’t sleep – and he said something about me being worried about him ‘leaving me in the middle of the night’ – which had nothing to do with that, but everything to do with the snake.

I hate this feeling- especially since it feels so bloody good.
Like when I scratch these itches.
Are you sure I ain’t contaminated with something?
(Logs on to Google to find the CDC hotline)

Contingency plan number 218: Disabled

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Preconceived notions

Most, if not all, of us are guilty of said. You hear something or see someone and you already have your own theories (real or perceived) about it. Most of it is just hogwash, but some of it though might have some bite to it.

I was having a conversation with my Brother Outlaw the other day, and as usual he was all up in my business, wanting to know who the person I speak to on the phone constantly, and whom I get out of the room to speak to, is. So I filled him in, just to shut him up about it. The usual about where we met, whether he is nice, how he treats me blah blah. And as happens, I added – for good measure – that he is rather ‘cute’ LOL. I know everybody and their cat chaperon me here, wanting to make sure that I do not get entangled with shady characters (and believe me there are many) – which is rather sweet but sometimes I wish they would all just stop. The other day The Gorgeous One was dropping me off, and just by coincidence my Prospective Brother Outlaw (otherwise known as The Armenian – not by Nationality, but by bling and, well, you know – it is a long story, and a personal joke I do not share) was just dropping in for the obligatory dinner and checking in on us (I wonder whom he dates, my little sister or both my big sis and I, seeing as he spends more time with us than with her) and he got very territorial about it – going all full throttle on ‘that guy who was just kissing you on the front door, who is he – I am going to run his plates to find out all about him’. My take: last time I checked, my dad was still alive. Or how whenever we go out to clubs, he is all hawk-eyed, making sure than no dude talks to me or telling any guys that ask that they cannot get my number, even without asking me. Oh dear.

Long story longer, well, Brother Outlaw finds out from self where The Gorgeous One is from originally – and, full outburst ensues about how people from that part of the world have no personalities, and that he has never met anyone from there who is even mildly good looking. And also, wait for it, that they are really ‘black’ – seriously. For someone with a Phd, who has travelled to more countries than I can shake a stick at, who is ‘worldly’, you disappoint me. I could not defend TGO – mainly because there was nothing to defend. I could only laugh – actually, I fell about laughing. What is it with people, eh? Can you not wait to meet someone before you lay out the judgement on ‘their ilk’ – at least until you find out if they are left-handed or right pawed? Like the way people have preconceived notions about people from West Africa – Nigeria to be specific – I reminded him that, and he went ‘he’ was an exception to the rule – he is good looking for a man from there, and he is a real nice person blah blah – referring to someone we know.

He also got rather territorial when I had to go spend the afternoon with TGO – asking all manner of questions about when, where, how long, what we were going to do. I sidestepped them quite deftly and told him I will see him a little later.
Fast forward to later that evening when TGO had to come pick me up, and lo and behold, he came face to face with Brother Outlaw – I introduced them and ran off to finish getting ready, and they were left sizing each other up – whatever it is that men do, especially faced with the dude that might, just might, become one Outlaw some day (I don’t believe I just said that – but seeing as TGO is getting away with stuff like ‘our children’ and carelessly tossing the L word about, I think I am entitled to get careless a little, No?).

The day after the night before, BO is teasing me about TGO – and, wait, wait, did the man just say: Oh, he seemed like a nice guy, and he is rather good looking too. Is that a retraction? I can hear his brain working around the fact that he is not ‘black’ black – he is caramel flavoured. He might have continued on to tell me about ‘the most beautiful eyes I have ever seen’, but that would have been a little ‘gay’, and I would have been worried – for me, not him – I am not fighting for a man with another man, forget that – I do not fight for men, period. No one is that important that I would break my fingers for them, yet. I did not say anything about his preconceived notion about ‘them’ – just like I do not say anything when I hear people talking about other tribes, or races or sexual orientation – it is a no win situation. I would like to think that I can educate people on the differences, celebrating instead of castigating, but this one I will not touch.

Now I have to continuously be teased about ‘my boyfriend’ – I did not even know he was one – I just thought we were just ‘chilling out’ together. Apparently you have to distinguish between what you are to a person to avoid misconceptions. Who the hell makes these rules anyway? Dating is for suckers and people who understand those rules. Of course, I ain’t one of them – or rather, I do not understand (or choose not to anyway) those rules.

As for TGO, I do not even know what is going on anymore. I just look at him and I am lost for words. When he turns the most beautiful eyes I have ever seen sideways to me and ask: ‘What?’, my mind goes completely blank. Even one of my ever ready flippant answers goes jaywalking across the room, leaving me gasping for words. No one told me that I would be scared to think like this, I always thought it would be easy. Who was I kidding? I ask myself what I was doing before – whether I actually participated in the dating part of a relationship – and I do not know if I did. I think this is the spoilt brat leaving the building and getting replaced by a grown up – not pretty. Being in a permanent state of long distance relationships does this to you – you do not know how to handle a ‘ten minutes away’ relationship. Getting any involved a visit to the travel agent, a vacation request, packing of one or more suitcases, cancelling the milk and newspapers for a week, or two, or three – an 8hr flight (in-flight food not a consideration) body scanning and/or orifice scanning (too much information?) etc – nowadays, it is: be ready in 10 minutes – and I will be like: 20 minutes – and he will go: ok 15minutes – that’s compromise LOL

My preconceived notion about relationships being hard work is affirmed – I should spend less time worrying and thinking about it and more time enjoying the fact that I am one lucky human being to have met such an amazing person. Whatever else happens, I am just glad that I did meet him. Every day, every conversation, every touch, kiss, smell – anything, brings out his amazeability. I think I spent way too much time looking at D to realise that there were other amazing men in the world – and, I did not really appreciate whomever I was dating for the longest time because he was not D (who took the first place in amazeability till now), and yes, if you are wondering, they did not have a chance in freaking hell of capturing my heart – body, yes, mind, yes, heart, HELL NO! I suppose that makes me a liar then, doesn’t it? Oh and a cheat too – come to think of it – emotional cheat. Ha! How do you like me now, eh?
I never had to work at all for him to love me – he adores enough for the both of us. I am so glad that I was finally able to lay that ghost to rest, otherwise I would not have allowed myself to be blown away like this. This time I really have to work though – not that it is difficult with TGO – he is real easy going and there are no games or guesswork to be done – but somehow I feel that I have something to lose by being nonchalance. All the b’s (you know, booty, body, brains, boobs etc) will not be enough, I feel, to sell this one.

What the hell am I thinking? What did you do to G? You need to bring her back double-quick – this alien over here is scaring the hell out of me. Thinking about things that she hasn’t thought about previously. I mean, seriously lady, you better get a grip real quick. The M word (not that one, we have the same initial) and the B word. Even the dreadful L word (which was tossed quite casually the other night, by one crazy man). How do people do this?

Someone, anyone, everyone?

Wednesday, July 09, 2008

Love (or lack thereof)

This really did make me smile - the things people do .. .well .. for love
Speaking of which, I have a stalker - ok not necessarily a stalker, but someone exhibiting stalkerish tendencies. How do people justify 'moving on' and then spend an inordinate amount of time proving otherwise? Especially when they find out that yes, you are not there for them as much as they would want you to. Claiming that they would want you to be happy, then finding out that, no, I really wouldn't want her to be happy if it involves so much as having another man touch her. You ain't got no choice, mate. You made your bed, go get some sleep.

As for the object of affection, well, he really is sweet. Seriously, I am beginning to worry myself - although he is reassuring me with his complete and utter devotion, and he does not hold back when it comes to telling me stuff. This is fun - exciting, but scary all at once. Now, if only he would take sometime out of running through my mind, or telling me stuff that makes my already tired brain fire in all directions. I need some sleep.


Wednesday, July 02, 2008

In His Kiss

He says I stare at him
With 'that look'
I do not ask what look that is
Because I know it
I am staring at his eyes
Because I have never seen eyes
That beautiful, that sexy
Slanted, clear, brown
How they half-close when he is explaining something
Or concentrating
Intense, and soft at the same time
Or when I will say something and he will turn and look at me sideways
And I can tell without looking that there is a half-smile on his face

That chuckle, that makes my knees weak
Both vulnerable and a little cocky - man, he knows he got it
And that laugh, that has me going 'What'?
Cos it is so mischievous, so sexy
Then I will say something, and he goes 'Oh, really?'
In that accent - Oh my
And then he turns his head and gives me a soft kiss
Just a little one
Then he looks at me again, with half closed eyes
Says: Wow, I love kissing you
Then cups my face - and proceeds to kiss me senseless
And I know, like Cher said: It is in his Kiss