Friday, April 25, 2008

Information Symmetry

This week went rather quickly – I suppose when one of the most amusing things you do to yourself is re-pull the already pulled muscle on your leg, and limping painfully while shaking head that you never seem to learn is compounded by nearly losing life (I suppose limb doesn’t count here) and being saved by a man in uniform (God bless unnamed cop) – life does rather have its fair share of things to make you sober – even the caffeine seems to have taken a rather middle ground seat now.

My early morning jogs being put on the back burner owing to that near incident with a downed live power line (and being bodily lifted by a copper off the road, LOL I am still blushing), and said pulled muscle that ‘had’ to be exercised to get better, but got worse, and Long John Silvering my way around being the norm, I have found myself spending a lot more time seated – and pondering why there are a lot of things that I might need to do before I die (hopefully of old age, and not by being electrocuted, then tased (or the other way round, depending on how pissed off said cop will be next time – I suppose there are worse fates, I could be walking around looking like some people’s hair))

I shared something with human who I talks to, a lot, all day long – and he reciprocated in kind – something Charlie from Numb3rs would call information symmetry (I watch Numb3rs mainly to learn about stuff, not having been a Maths boffin or anything, I can actually pretend to know stuff in conversations, although when I write about Seismic Vibrators, I actually know what the heck they are and what they do, but that is beside the point – or Top Gear – oh and that Episode where they had the Eurofighter – Sweet – Cutified and I were cooing like mad – the lad loves his planes, and cars I might add), and did I mention that I would love to adopt Charlie, and ruffle his hair? Well, I would. So I shall call said human Charlie from Numb3rs (minus the hair, of course – we already talked about tased and electrocuted, don’t push it) which is innocuously appropriate, and which, I know, he would call something like ‘Genius’ – with a capital G (tooting self’s horn here, hmm) Oh Dear!

And, self has noticed lately, is using ‘Oh dear’ exponentially to denote ‘what the f* - or do that ‘eyebrow raising’ thing to express the fact that on a ‘stupidity quotient’ recipient is topping the scales. And it gives Oh, Jesus (borrowed from Immediate Older Sis) – and Dear God in Heaven (Self Chosen), or Oh my Goodness (from Lil Sis) a break – and seeing as I forgave self in this Spring Cleaning Business – (Aren’t the temperatures already too hot for Spring?), I am sure we are even with the Maker, and His Son, and the Pope (ok, a cheap shot, but I woulda liked to meet him and get a blessing – forget the whole world troubles, we ain’t got no lift-off here, Papa).[*Looks around for a Rosary*, we might as well start now, it will definitely take a while]

Somehow, and invariably so, I do not seem to live in the world that the rest of the world live in. In my quest to find out information that neither helps nor changes my life, or that of others – I might have come across some that while not wholly amusing, was rather dull and not very exciting, but altogether should have made a more – (how do I say this gently) – interested person curiously, well, curiously upset. What was curious, and continues to be so, is that I.FELT.NOTHING. If my leg didn’t hurt as much as it did, I would probably have to find a way to confirm that I am alive, and if I didn’t love Cutified as much as I do (which is one degree short of a restraining order) I would start getting very worried about my community with the human populace. Which is to say that I am bored – truly and fully. This is the part of my life that garners a visit to a different continent – or country – or engagement in activities best left out of the bible, or enrolment in courses that challenge the mind – (that’s it) or even worse, engagement in relationships with wholly unacceptable people.

Which is worrying – because wholly unacceptable people tend to get too attached to me – and I find myself scampering for the hills (or forest, or airports) – like over the weekend, when this wholly unacceptable woman got too comfortable on my being – I still feel a little violated – it is alright when a person sings the praises of your beauty, the softness of your skin, the ‘model figure’ of your body, the length and shape of your legs – but when it is a woman – who proceeds to touch the various parts, in the guise of ‘appreciating’ them? Did I say I still feel a little violated? I may be over-reacting, but I did not like the way she was looking at me. I know I attract all sorts – including strays – and I hear said woman is a bit ‘wounded’, and apparently I come across as caring and all that so people gravitate towards me (including Zoé the dog, who runs away from her home to come and hang out with me), and I love being touched as much as the next person – actually a whole lot more, if you ask my IBS, especially by the right person, but I do not like it when people feel the need to touch me all willy nilly – because I have ‘oh so soft skin’

There is one curious thing though – of wholly unacceptable people gravitating towards me – Charlie from Numb3rs has a crush on me. I am sure he might call it something different, or I may not be taking him too seriously – or the situation, or God knows whatever it is that is happening, which is rather sweet in a kind of incestuous sort of commune way (I call it relations cannibalism), but if I was in any way inclined to have some sort of relationship with some sort of wholly unacceptable human specimen, I wouldn’t kick you out of bed – come to think of it, I wouldn’t kick anyone out of bed right about now.

Thursday, April 17, 2008

No More Miss Nice Girl

Oh, dear

It came to a head this morning. Boss Lady has been getting on my case this week …

Ok, that is not the beginning – the beginning is that I was on Cutified Detail over the weekend – and we got up to all sorts – mainly, he did, and I encouraged him, and we learnt how to pull my hair, or anything attached to my head, and chew on my phone, and grab and ‘talk’ on the phone to whomever happens to unfortunately call me… etc .

Fun was had by both small and .. .. not so small human.

Therein lay the problem

I did not get the Doctor’s recommended 100hrs sleep crammed into 2 days.

Not fun.

Now, I have three ‘side effects’ of lack of enough sleep:

1 night lack of sleep: Hyperactivity

2 nights lack of sleep: Patience Quotient negative 20 and below

3 or more nights’ lack of sleep: You might as well take a running jump down a very short plank

Which is where boss lady came in .. today!

…. and, she started calling me on and off, and kept interrupting what I was doing. Yes, I know there is something called ‘work’ and that it is something that we do, that somebody pays us in kind or cash to, and that we do not necessarily have to like it to do it.

That is not the issue here.

So I walk up to BL and I ask where the fire was, and she told me where it was (or wasn’t), and although I wasn’t pissed or angry but impatient with her, I told her that she should ‘think’ before she asks me to do something, ask herself if it is an emergency or it can wait. And if it can wait, and it is in my mandate then she does not need to inform, advice, direct or remind me to do it, procrastination notwithstanding.

She goes: For a young lady, you do not need to speak to me like I am a child

Self: For a mature woman, you do not need to behave like one

Impasse: Staring game: Let’s see who backs down first: defiant look on face: completely indifferent to the outcome

Few minutes later

Self: Are we agreed here?

BL: Yes, we are


I do not normally ‘get into it’ with anyone – I just can’t be asked to ‘fight’ with people. Anyone who knows me know that you push, I get out of the way and you fall on your behind – or like some people are wont to say: I ignore and dismiss people.

But of late, and after a conversation I had with some human whose mental faculties have more knots and strings than mine, I realised that I give people too much leeway to take advantage of my good nature – and because I am soft (in all the right places), I come across as either timid or complacent in arguments- or the lack thereof.

So, even though I have been told a million and one times that I can’t be a B**** because my first instinct is to be ‘nice’ – well, to hell with it – I will take no prisoners from now on (sob – easier said that done). This nice by default human is getting metamorphosed.

And, and, and ….

For anyone who might think that I do ….

I do not

Give a f*, that is.

I am just too polite to say it.

THERE, I said it.

And the world still turns, and nobody has died.

Psst: YOU really are a bad influence (although I am still giggling like a mad person over what transpired yesternite - I can has no sleep?

.. and this ↑ .. is all on you - you know whose door I am knocking on when I haven't got a job anymore - or even if I have one, Kent (sing: It's not eeeeeaaaasssssyyyy, to be me)

Friday, April 11, 2008

Oh, Jesus

This Spring-Cleaning business is a weird one - I suppose you cannot necessarily chuck stuff out without actually looking at them to see if you might need them at a later date, (Recycle - the possibilities are endless – (I always loved that advert in the UK where a can becomes all these things including a plane that flies away .. )) or emptying the recycle bin.

The first part of this Spring-Cleaning was of the human category – this was a bit daunting because as I have said somewhere here, well, some humans did not take kindly to being relegated to the bin– literally – and they have gone to great lengths to show their disdain. That in itself doesn’t bother me one bit, although it does kinda tend to grate that same humans cannot particularly be ‘buried’ for life as they are somehow attached to my immediate family. Having said that, I tend to console myself time and again that I am not responsible for what other ‘apparently mature, intelligent, responsible’ human specimen do – or say.

Furthering that thought, I went spring-cleaning my brain of memories that I needed to purge – the brain debris therein is immense – and that is the least of that problem. Let me just say this: I have mental images that would make me a big chunk of change – maybe on Youtube or something. Sometimes I would be going about my business innocently and then one image will jump into the forefront of my mind and I would just go: Oh, Jesus. Needless to say, I should borrow a leaf out of Charlie (of Two and a Half Men) and drink alcohol until the part of my brain that stores images is obliterated – only I am no longer drinking alcohol (hopefully not forever, but for now), and coffee, last time I checked, only manages to make you hyper and water is useful in cleaning a whole lot – but not the brain (unless it is outside of skull).

Let me let on something here – having a photographic memory might be considered a blessing – and it is – but there is nothing like a free lunch I tell ya. Looking at a date on a calendar and ‘seeing’ any memories or significance stored therein attached to it might tag me as a ‘thoughtful’ person who remembers all your birthdays and anniversaries and when Cutified last got his shot, or the colour of a formula can in a supermarket or where in the Sunday papers (in their entirety, including the unsolicited marketing junk) a sentence I read in an entry was, days/weeks/months later(section, page, column, placement, font, colour and all), without relying on anyone/thing to remind me – but it also means I do not have a sieve that stores all the good memories and lets the bad ones slide.

Whenever someone asks me something and I say: I cannot remember – people who know me know so well that that is bullshit – fair and square (is it not disc-shaped). In a fairly recent conversation with an afore-mentioned human, a question was asked of I, and there followed a pause of about 3 seconds from both sides, and human then goes ahead and says:

H: See?

G: What?

H: You stalled, you are formulating a lie

G: I swear I forgot

H: No you did not forget. I know how your mind works, and you are stalling because your first instinct is to tell the truth, and you are a lousy liar so you need to stall to find a plausible way around this one.

G: I was thinking about it.

H: (Derisive laugh). That 3 second stall was enough for your brain to have gone through multiple scenarios before deciding on telling a lie – so do not bullshit me.

Seems I can never win, for losing.

Oh, Jesus’ moments have provided some chuckles here and there, and some blushing too – but I am learning to forgive myself cos I am learning that yes, I am as human as the rest of them (Keep saying that G, you might actually come to believe it).

On another note, this post was conceived of a lull moment in my afternoon schedule and since a certain human that keeps me occupied with mid-morning/afternoon giggles was MIA (I can has no talk Friday? [Pout]), I decided to do a Spring-Clean of my files on the laptop. And boy, after a few ‘Oh, Jesus’ reads, did I have to get self a coffee, in a mug?

I had written something waay back when (months, in increments of ….er .. pick a number), and at the end of it was a ‘claimer’ that said that when I got to read what I had written two or (insert the increment) months later, I would cringe cos I couldn’t believe that I had actually written that – or worse still, thought it. Oh Jesus, whatever it was that I was smoking then ought to have been discontinued.

Or another one I had written about a stupid crush I had on somebody a year (insert increments here again) – this I couldn’t bring myself to delete because it was hilariously absurd – seriously, I mean, was I on drugs? Not when writing it, I believe I wasn’t even on coffee when I wrote it – but when I was having a mini-crush on said individual. Oh, Jesus – I hope no one ever finds that out cos I would have to obliterate self – brain images alone wouldn’t do.

Or that email that has been sitting in the ‘draft’ section for … (insert increments again) – Oh, Jesus. That got deleted on the double – it was embarrassing even to self to read it – another reason to call the name of the Lord in vain – I have to add.

Needless to say, I did ask Jesus to wait for me to forgive myself before I asked for forgiveness – hence why His name features shamelessly here.

As I continue Spring-Cleaning my life, and hoping that I will not have to obliterate myself before it is ‘satisfactorily’ complete – I have to live with and re-live some memories and mental images that I wish in another lifetime, I will come back as a goldfish.

AOB: Happy Birthday Big Bro. Although I could do with not being branded with the cutie girlie pet names, you are the best big brother in the whole wide world, and I love you and miss you to bits.

‘For Sick n Sin’

Tuesday, April 08, 2008

Cascade effect – Idiot Proofing

It is common knowledge that ‘they’ did not install the patience gene when they were creating 'The G’ – which follows that there is very little that catches and keeps my attention for long – especially when it has ‘stoopidity’ attached to it.

I may not be the sharpest tool in the box, but I definitely could give Stephen Hawkins a run for his money when it comes to some people. Seriously people, at least if your faculties are a bit challenged you should pepper them with a bit of humour, or creativity, or activity, or just do not show your face – either one will do but just do not ask me stupid questions and expect me to stand there and be all sweet and honey about it. Not today.

Today, I designate it an ‘Idiot Proof Day’.

I will not tell you about people who cannot do simple mental sums

I will not tell you about people who cannot ‘communicate’ clearly

I will not tell you about people who ‘assume’ things without clearing them out

I will not even try to say anything about the above being done last minute

I will, when not telling you about the fact that the animal previously known as ‘common sense’ is not altogether common, and it sure as hell isn’t a sense, and thereby reiterate that if you know where to find one, please make an appointment with Specsavers – cos you might need their services, and soonest.

I will clearly raise my eyebrows (The Rock has nothing on me) and look at you blankly when you ask me something that any village idiot worth their weight would point out for free.

I will sit and wonder, at your expense, and hopefully within full hearing range of you, how in the world people of your calibre manage to still be alive, and well, and not under the wheels of a ‘steam engine’ cos I would expect they went out with same.

I will then, exasperated, proceed to take whatever implement, be it pen, book, scalpel (I am sure that is a typo, cos nobody in their right mind (left, even) would ever let me near one of those), or a pneumatic drill (hopefully this can be upgraded to a seismic vibrator) and show you how to ‘do’ whatever it is you are supposed to do with it – oh wait, that is not right – I will do what you were meant to do, in double-speed, and leave you wondering if I am insane – which I will save you the question by answering in the affirmative. See, I am a staunch believer in ‘If you want something done well, do it yourself’ – delegation notwithstanding.

Having said that, I was thinking about something that pissed me off today – the fact that a (please don’t say stupid person, cos you do not know them well enough, they might just be confused about… oh forget it) idiotic human specimen robbed me of a day set aside to spend with Cutified Little Human – how uncool is that? The one person that makes me smile even at 2am – with my eyes half closed and my back and arms aching and flailing all over the place cos I have been standing for hours because he cries everytime I sit down cos he prefers I stand so I can walk him around for ages while he strangles me with my chain and talks endlessly about ‘God knows what 31/2 month old babies babble about’, and when he sleeps and I put him down he opens his eyes like he was never asleep and gives me a wide toothless smile that says: ‘Sucker! If you think I am gonna give up that tight hug so easily, you’ve got another think coming. Pick me up, Scottie’ – if there were ever manipulative 3.5month olds, he is the gang leader. And I had to give that up for a complete stranger who had no courtesy whatsoever and hasn’t got two neurons to string together to make a coherent thought. Ok so I am pissed.

Let me see if ‘I’ have a coherent thought strung together:

(Disclaimer: I have had a few cups of coffee, so I am not responsible for confusing the hell out of anybody. That is all you, seriously)

It is presumed that the world runs on some sort of ordered chaos (ok, I made that up, give me a minute), and I am also guessing that things happen in a sort of order that is determined by what happened before. No shit?

Look at it in the same concept as ripples in water – and widen the circumference a little more – ok so a whole lot more – and the question I am asking is, when does the ripple effect stop – even when it is infinitesimal and its effect has waned, but it is (or is it?) still there.

Case in point: Previously Identified Idiotic specimen cancelled on me today, which in effect means I cancelled on my Cutified Detail, which in effect had my sister scurrying around for a babysitter, she found her ‘regular’ who had an appointment elsewhere, which she had to cancel to accommodate Cutified. Now, in a wide weird world, that may not seem much to anyone (and actually quite dull if you think about it – but then again even a dull thought has to come from somewhere, and it is still pissing me off, so there).

How far, and how effective is my dull thought and its reverberations? In its dull-ality, probably not much of the regular world has been unseated by it, but what if?

What if, say, the babysitter was supposed to spend the day with her niece and take her to the beach (it is a beautiful day, so I can only dream for others), and while she was busy sunning herself, her niece wanders into the water and drowns, but because she cancelled her day off to spend with cutified, her niece gets to live another day? (I am not aware if she has nieces, give me a break).

Or she had promised to spend the day with Jane*, but she can’t because she has cutified, and Jane decides to do her weekly shopping instead, and while there buys a lottery ticket, and wins millions. (See, not all doom and gloom). Do I need to do the math for you still, or are we together…?

What I am asking is – (and please do not give me that crap of ‘all things happen for a reason blah blah’) is how things happen how they were supposed to happen? And, if I could have seen today yesterday, would today look exactly like it did yesterday, and if PIIS hadn’t cancelled on me, would the rest of the world look like it does today? Does my inconvenience today mean that somebody I do not even know exist is having the best or worst day of their life?

Would this dull thought have crossed my mind, and invaded your thought processes today?

Our actions and/or omissions do impact on other people’s everyday lives – and sometimes we think of the ‘obvious’ effects, the ones that we anticipate – like being late for work, and missing a deadline, and having your boss pissed, and he giving you a hard time, and you going for a drink instead of home, and being caught DUI, and spending a night in jail where you meet Luthor who ‘likes you very much’ – Ooooh Kay, thought process abandoned..

But what about the non-obvious ones? I am aware that for these there is nothing we can do to avoid or lessen the impact or negate their effectiveness or something, anything – but what are they?

Think about it.

AOB: Has anyone ever seen a baby squirrel? I has seen one – cutest thing I ever saw.

Saturday, April 05, 2008

The Observatory

I am cracking myself up on the regular these days – mainly in observation mode. I am perched up there, and sometimes over there in the corner, just observing the world turn, and taking notes. To say all is well in my corner of the crust is to say the truth.

Observatory Level 22: Mighty Mouse - Juvenility notwithstanding, this is lower than a hedgehog’s lair. Am I in any shape or form supposed to react in any …er… well, shape or form? The cracker jack in this one being that like a certain governator .. “You will be back” – hopefully not through T5.

Observatory Level 1: Kitchen - I definitely need to stop taking coffee – my brain is registering 9.0 on the Richter scale

Observatory Level 1.5: Mezzanine - This is less cracking up and more just cracking. I am in no way an expert at relationships – worse still, I did remove myself from that arena a while back owing to the fact that I do not feel ready to ‘get to know’ anyone else before I ‘spring-clean my house’ – which is going very well Thanks for asking – actually I do believe said house is now sparkling clean – although it ain’t ready for tenants and/or buyer occupiers (now that is another reason to crack self up) – I know we need a few more alterations (and hopefully no altercations) before we are ready to allow viewers.

But this level isn’t about me – I am just an observer here.

Somebody I care about deeply is slowly disappearing in heartache that they are hiding in plain sight – and there is absolutely nothing I can do until they are ready to come out and admit it both to themselves and people that care for them. Problem is, the ‘causer’ of the hurt is someone who is also in the same ‘circle of trust’ – although that is observed with impunity. I hate when people are so irredeemably stupid and then walk around like they are owed some awe by the world for their stupidity. But then again, why am I surprised, really? Did I, and by extension others, not see this one coming from a mile off – including the one hurting in this 20/20 visionary indiscretion?

Like I told human who told me to broach subject with the subject on the receiving end: Once bitten twice shy – on my part that is – I know quite well how to play deaf, dumb and blind this time round - and I also noted that although I cannot protect people that I love from hurt and heartbreak, I can be there to provide support and kiss it better after they fall – so they can learn from their mistakes and be careful next time round.

As he begins to raise his voice
You lower yours and grant him one last choice
Drive until you lose the road
Or break with the ones you've followed
He will do one of two things
He will admit to everything
Or he'll say he's just not the same
And you'll begin to wonder why you came

The Fray: How to save a life

Observatory Level 17.5: Paradigm shift – I know if I say something like everyday is a new day, some smart-ass human is gonna say something akin to ‘no shit sherlock’ - and they would be right. However, I do believe the Man upstairs and I have come to some sort of level of understanding – this from an observatory perspective, mind – and He is of the opinion that I need a break – seeing as I have been so good and all – and for that reason (and others that I cannot claim to know about) I cannot remember a time when I was happier, or more content with my life, or sleeping better, or being more patient with people – especially the most beautiful human being on the planet – oh and my nephew too LOL - or felt so loved, and appreciated, and useful (doing), and appreciative, and useful (being done), and loving and active, and bright and intelligent, and sociable, and oh, there is always the downside – I am waaaay too cheeky, and I am taking too much coffee, and getting too amused when people do stuff that is supposed to evoke a reaction from me, and it doesn’t, and it pisses them off.

Admittedly, no one/nothing has changed noticeably, only me.

Good change.

For that, I have a spring in my step and in my season too.

Aaaaannndddd - I nearly forgot: Then there are the dreams.

Ohhh the dreams.

Have you ever woken up from a really weird-in-a-very-good-way dream and gone:

What was that?!

Well, that is me every morning!

Thursday, April 03, 2008

Viscousity (End of an Error)

Nine years and four months later – that is how long it took – I would chalk it down to procrastination, procreation, progression or some pro or the other, but the truth is – well, it just is.

I have asked myself that question a whole lot in the last couple of days, and I sincerely was left bereft. How did I allow it to drag this long? How in the world does a ‘non-relationship’ relationship last that long? Most marriages, no wait, most lives do not last that long.

Egotistical rub whose friction was only felt by others – that is the only definition of it I could come up with that made sense – how is that for insightful hindsight?

Now that we know how long it took, what did it take?

Funny you should ask, cos I have been asking that too – and as my friend asked me the other day: What did you do? (It is always assumed by all that I have to have done something for something to happen – cause and effect you say? More like ‘affect’, but .. – well, ‘Why does it have to be I that had to have done something?’ Oh sorry, there was a question in there somewhere:

Answer: It is what I didn’t do.

So what else is new?

According to him, I dismiss people. At last somebody put it into words – I always wondered. Jeez I am doing it again – dismissing the dismissal: stop.

Well, how long and what has been covered.



I dismissed him – is that an answer? No?

Ok, I got bored. Now that is an answer.

I got bored of having the bar set too high and slightly to the right – being more left oriented, I found I had to stretch and turn every time I needed to reach (make of that what you will, even I don’t know yet what that means - my brain has a mind all of its own)

That said, for the first time in my dating life, I can say in all sincerity that I have no ghost baggage (I think it would be wise to check with T5, they seem to be losing it in transition, or is it apparition?).