Grounding Nomads (Without the animals)

Sooo, it has been a couple of looong minutes since I wrote something here, or anywhere else come to think of it. Where I write, very few see, and where I see .. ok, it sounded good in my head. What has one been doing for the last, oh, lets see .. seven months since I was last here? Well, mainly being alive, I would think, considering I know a few humans who haven't (long story) but generally just being a pain in the arse for all those who come across the G.

The main culprit being The hub - seeing as it is 8 months tomorrow since we got married, I was thinking about the whole institution of marriage this morning while I got ready and I have to say, I am faring rather well, for a person who used to scoff at it like a dog does at something it wouldn't be caught dead eating, and trust me it has to be something rather .. . well .. unsavoury for a dog to scoff at - I grew up with dogs (not like that, damnit) and we all know there is little that dogs in Kenya will not eat - little.

So what is my secret to a happy 8 month long marriage, I asked myself at some oh-so-not-yet-alive-hour of this morning? It is simple really, I allowed myself to allow someone else to love me the way 'they' wanted to love me. Not how I wanted them to, not how 'it' is supposed to be done, how THEY knew how. And that, ladies and gents, is how.

Needless to say I have been in one (or ten) relationships before, some good, some downright unnecessary, some with savoury characters, some with some wholly unacceptable members of the human populace, and once, just once, I nearly had one with a member of the same sex as Sarah Palin (do not even start) - ok, so that was sex - but I reserve the right to confuse the boundaries. And I do suppose it all led me to this moment of clarity, when I realised that I really did not necessarily allow myself, or any of these poor excuses for relationships, to progress to a point where I, and I alone, let go of my preconceived notions that the idea that another person might just want to have some sort of companionship, and recreation sex (although sometimes I have to agree I was duped into wanting to procreate, but I caught it in time) without needing to wholly own me, control me, come closer (Ne-Yo song in my entry? Oh, dear!). Where was I? Yes, at some point in any relationship I would reach a point where I would be like: Shit, if I continue like this, they are going to move in their kitchen sink and I have to live with them forever and that will never happen. Squirrel!

I have no idea why, but after a few months (and/or sometimes dates) people would feel the need to move their beings and belongings into my abode, and forgive me for having some sort of male commitment phobia, but don't men panic so fast when you leave your toothbrush or 'forget' your panties in their house? Why then would a fully grown and functional (ok, this, I am telling myself, but the specimen might have to speak for themselves) human male do the same to me and expect me to ask him if he needs extra closet space? Maybe I was just being territorial, but even someone like me who suffers from chronic niceness syndrome wakes up one day and says f* this, I really dont want to see your ass in the morning again (yes, literally and figuratively) and make up a damn good excuse that sounds a tad more intelligent (and intelligible) than: It is not you, it is me (but which, truth be told, it was them - but in a reverse sort of twisted way, it really was me).

What is so special about this relationship then - cos it really is just a relationship but with the whole 'til death do us part' part attached to it - that I found myself willing to go the whole hog, as they say? I actually do not know. I have been with brilliant guys before, sexy guys before, genuine, dedicated, caring, loving, nurturing, smarty pants, pisstakingly stubborn, maddening, dead funny, cute guys who could cook better than your grandmother and all your aunts put together, clean to a fault, make you smile even when you really want to crawl into a corner and cry, actually make you cry and allow you to without any guilt, make you feel like you want to throw them through the window, only to realize that you aint that strong, actually allow you to push them off the bed to the floor and look on amazed as you laugh so hard that you cant breathe cos you think it is the funniest shit on the planet and then lovingly pick you off the floor and put you to bed because they are afraid that you are going to pass out with laughter, make love to you - fast, slow, lazy, energetic - actually let you take the presidential detail - you know, when you need to have a briefing and put in a jog at the same time, but make a last 100M sprint with fireworks? (I'll leave you to figure that one out) - do the marathon, a sprint, the relay or any combination thereof? A man who just makes it so easy to love them, so easy to allow you to allow them to love you?

Ok, so I haven't had one of these before - hence why I married him LOLOL.

Don't get me wrong, we do have the downside like in every relationship. If there was a stubbornness competition we would tie, taking the piss is de rigeur in our household - sometimes with undesirable results when you go too far, there is the ex-factor from both sides who wont give up the ghost, really! - even though both of them are in other relationships (I suppose it is hard to replace a good thing, no?). There is also the sometimes visible and audible cultural differences - cue stubbornness on either side, family (try getting married to an Italian family with a Matriach that dont take 'NO' as an option) - and the whole Black swagga thing thrown in the mix - among other things.

When two very strong personalities come together, there is bound to be fireworks, good and bad. We are learning to take that and use it to get a better hold of who we are when we are together, and apart, and give each other room to grow as part of a couple, and as separate entities too (Did someone actually pay me to say that shit, or did I just make it up myself?)

Anyway here is the deal - I am new at this, and so far so good. I think I am more amazed that I actually went through with it than anyone else, including The hub from The Hub or my family, who I think are still stuck at WTF happened? stage LOL.

But, the most amazing thing is that I actually got lucky enough to find someone like him in the first place, to get to know him, love him, and get married to him, and actually stay grounded long enough to allow him to show me what real love and commitment and all that goes with it is all about.

Better yet, I allowed myself to be loved like this! I may be a nomad without the animals, but I finally found my pasture!

Now that's What's Up?

And how have you been ;)

One Month Later ....

An excerpt from the weekly handwritten letter that I receive from my brand spanking new husband, on our first month anniversary ..

I live to see your smile every day. Your soft, delicate, beautiful
Kenyan features, mixed with that British accent leaves me dumbstruck sometimes. I am like: This woman is not my wife, there has to be some mistake. I am so very
glad you fell in love with me, baby. I am going to give you my all. I will always be loyal to you, I will always respect you, I will always protect you and I will always Love you. There was always something about you, a strange sort of energy that drew me to you. I am not even going to try to figure it out. I know
one thing though .. I want to see the world with you, I want to feel my child
inside of you, I would love to grow old with you. I want to learn you, I want to
nurture you, I want to worship you as the love of my life, I want to bond with
you, I want us to keep pushing the envelope of our experiences together. I want
to make love to you mentally, emotionally, intellectually as well as physically.
I guess what I am trying to say is that I always want us to challenge one
another to be better than what we are. Complacency in a marriage can be fatal. I
love you for always poking at me. I love you for the fact that you make it your
business to learn my body language so well, and call me on it when words and deeds do not rhyme ....

I still maintain that I am the luckiest woman in the whole wide world.

Oi, Skipper - it might still be 51/49, but what is 51% of 51, eh? You do remember the saying: What is mine is mine, what is yours is ours!?

This past month married to you has been a dream - I wouldn't change it for the world, and I look forward to spending another whole lifetime of months with the most amazing person I have ever had the pleasure of knowing, loving, and getting married to.

All or nothing, mate!!
I LOVE YOU

Birth Day

Ok, we still maintain that God has an absolutely wicked sense of humour, and that is just about the half of it. See, for someone who has been proudly proclaiming that “I don’t go to church for no particular reason” – I am finding myself finding my way in there every Sunday morning without fail for a while now – alone, with no ulterior motive that to be in there and listen and learn and worship and feel great (but don’t tell anyone) – oh, and the music is just miraculous. And to think that you would have to drag me screaming and shouting out of bed at any time before 1200hrs on the weekend – and here I am waking up at 0700hrs just so I don’t get late – wow, I am sure God just has a blast day on Sundays pointing and laughing at me. Ah, well!

I am also a walking cliché for ‘a series of unintended consequences’ in that more often that not, a cascade effect of my actions and/or omissions leave me either falling about laughing or just falling about – and no, I do not learn. Why try to do things differently when you can do the same thing over and over, and with no effort whatsoever on your part, get the same results, and blame it on ….? Ok, I suppose that doesn’t work.

So, here we are, on the anniversary of my birth, and other than a look on my face that says: I am ready for whatever; the day is just starting to look like “The best laid plans … and all that”. Started with impromptu song and dance from some colleagues (I always start worrying when people burst into song), I walk to the door and another colleague (whom I discovered a few days ago has a major crush on me (another story for another day) handed me a digital camera because I have been literally singing for my morning cup of coffee for it. I had no words – Cameras and I are anyone’s worst nightmare – cue taking pictures of all and sundry (and that is just the inanimate objects). Ever since my trusted Casio was nicked a few years back, I had refused to get myself one just to punish myself (yes, I know – Freud would have a field day with me) – but who says when someone else decides you deserve a present (or are tired of you literally stealing theirs on a daily basis), you still need to self-flagellate or something?

After that moment, my day cannot get better! - at least while I write this, my day is still getting better, so ignore that statement. And no, I will not tempt fate, seeing as that cliche up there still holds.

But, let us backtrack a little bit:

What would a G post be without:

a) It being a long ass-one

b) Having to go back to the beginning of whatever

c) Digressions that intertwine making the National Grid rethink its wiring? (hmm, figure that one out!)

a) has already been taken care of

b) That happened yesterday - oh, wait - it has been happening but culminated yesterday - and my brains and other faculties haven't yet dissected and/or digested the whole thing yet. Mental picture moment: A snake swallows some [holy] cow whole and is still trying to decide whether it was a clever idea to not take out the hooves and the hide and the halo (yes, as in holy cow??). Moving on (chuckles) ... I knew this was gonna be a 'straitjacket, padded room, horse tranquilizer' day .. never mind, it is my birthday after all... the powers that be started it!

After I moved here at the ass end of 2009, I was a bit 'fish out of water'ed about the whole area and people and I was not sure whether to make it a semi or permanent move - but like everything else, I tend to not balk down at a challenge, especially one that ends up with the statement: 'You could not hack it' - said silently with trepidation to self by self. Anyway, my relationship was on hold for personal and geographical considerations, my relationships with other people had all but disintegrated into little moments which necessitated me to take time out and reevaluate and rejuvenate self. A few weeks into it, a colleague asked me at a meeting whether I thought a particular gentleman was 'hot'. I, being of sound mind and aloof exterior, could not point out under a microscope which of the gentle and not so gentle men she was referring to, but I humoured her and said something that sounded like I was choking LOL. See, if we backtrack a teeny little bit more, we might find that said female human had expressed an interest that I was unable, unwilling and/or unprepared to meet - and I had a feeling she was trying to suss out which team(s) that I might be so inclined to bat for. Self was not inclined to either entertain or accommodate said musings, so the issue was frozen, or so I thought.

Side note: Said gentle man was indeed 'hot' - very! But, self preservation dictates that whenever you are in a new environment, casing the joint does not necessarily mean zeroing in on the most gorgeous man in the room and making your presence and/or interest or lack thereof felt.

About a month later, the dog incident occurs (long story which involves me and gentle man ending up looking at the same thing with a dog attached and drawing the same conclusion, and the moment he said it, I burst out laughing and the ice was broken - poor canine - she still gets the blame for putting us together, I tell ya) and the rest is history. But from that moment on, I always felt like a teenager (and hopefully, but not definitely, not acting like one), waiting for that tiny moment where I can sidle up to him and say a few words, where he can surreptitiously give me a good morning hug, when he sometimes sits a few chairs down from me when we have a morning meeting, whispered questions with double entendre attached, long words that I write on chewing gum wrapper and pass to him and marvel when he Googles them on the sly so he can then whisper to me 'Can you use that in a sentence?'

The Chemistry between us was uncanny - the electricity palpable. I can 'feel' him when he is around without seeing him - it is like this pull he has - I tend to call it 'Radar'. His mates tell him often that 'The two of you should stop doing that thing you do (I have no idea what they are talking about), which makes the rest of the room feel like there are only the two of you in it'. Poor souls.

Very long story dissected into not a very bite size portion, after spending time with the most amazingly smart, annoyingly handsome, gentle, loving, giving, sexy, passionate, history-bursting, rock music listening, poem writing, agnostic confessed, multiple-book reading human male - we had some semblance of 'the' talk yesterday - which included somewhere there me giving him the essence of one G. In the process, while we knew that our lives have taken similar paths, and that a series of unintended consequences had led us to being in this Antarctican hood at this time and meeting one another and even .. ... well, falling mercilessly in love with one another - he turned around after lunch and asked me to marry him. I know, I know - has he any idea what he is getting himself into?

Do I?

And, well, I never said I do anything the easy way, did I?

So I said YES!

Within moments, his best mate came by and M told him - his mate couldn't believe it and he goes: "You better not be kidding me cos I have prayed for this moment ever since you guys met - you are making an old man of God very proud and happy". Told ya, that man God is sure shrewd in his wisdom!

What a bloody marvelous birthday present, eh?

I know that nothing is certain in this life, and that God is sitting around scratching his scraggy beard smiling like an indulgent Father, because even if I somehow saw this one coming from a mile off, it still threw me a curve, and I had that adrenalin rush moment where I thought: 'What the f* have I done?' - but I know that if anything, I want to spend those uncertain moments, the certain ones, the unbelievably hilarious ones, the ones where he looks at me and all thought freezes, the sad ones, the cute ones and all the others, especially where wit is pitted against wit (that which is lost in translation (English v. American) notwithstanding), learning him and with him and for him and by him.

(It is OK, you can put the puke bags down now)

And as I sit here typing this, he is sitting over there looking at me waiting to go out for lunch - and as with the first time I spoke to him, I still feel like that teenager who is waiting for the most gorgeous guy in school to come over and say hello to her.

Happy Birthday to me!

Verisimilitude

They say that God has a wicked sense of humour, and I am Testament to said. (“The Gospel according to G" has a nice ring to it, No?)

Picture this: It is not bad enough that I am confused to the nth term, but He deems it necessary to put a spanner (or two, or three) in the works by poking me (literally and figuratively) in so many places I feel like a walking pin cushion.

We are talking about buses – you know, them boxy things that you are supposed to be waiting for, and that, after waiting for one for so long, three come along at once? Yeah, them!

Case in point:

Bus Number One: Came at an inopportune moment – had been waiting for one and since I had been standing outside exposed to the elements, I decided to take it, not knowing that it wasn’t exactly headed in the same destination as I was, but willingly taking it nonetheless. A couple of stops later, the deviation came and I had to gracefully hop off. We might have to reconnect sometime later along the way but for now I am exposed to the elements again.

Hence, Bus Number Two: Right at the time when I disembarked number one, two was kinda hovering in the peripherals, but it did not look like it was picking up passengers (or I was rather not looking to be hopping on it, yet), so it kinda hang around revving its engines which while ignoring the noise, I was perpetually amused to find that it considered the racket annoying enough for me to either say f* it and hop on or just keep walking.

Funnily enough, it was one of those buses that coast alongside with the premise that it is not going to be waiting forever, but at the same time giving you infinite moments to change your mind and get on. I decided to concede defeat not so much as get on but walk alongside it for a while until the route number that I desired came along, or (I stupidly surmised) I might get to my destination without necessarily committing (or is it commuting?) to, or paying for, the ride, but having the company to my destination. What a load of .. .er.. passengers!

It is on my ‘not really in the bus, but not necessarily in the ‘hail and ride’ sidewalk either’ routine that Bus Number Three slowed up alongside. It had all the markings of the right route number for my destination, or at least heading that way, but from my view of it, had no available seating. While not giving it a wide berth, I decided to ‘sniff a little, without marking my territory’ to find out whether any passengers might be dislodging halfway through the journey, thence giving me a seat on this, to my perspicacity, a highly desirable option. I did get close enough to get seared by the engine, and I may be running the risk of having my toes run over (or put another way, the reverse is true :D), but in my four year old voice: I am so excited

Not to add more poking into this keg of works (mixed metaphors notwithstanding), another bus that I had considered much earlier but might chalk down to a sort of fugue state (that is my story and I am sticking to it), somehow found its way (without, of course, any directional mikes from yours truly whatsoever – What?) to where I was mixing my metaphors, and rides, and routes, and buses – with what they call in some circles ‘an offer you cannot refuse’!. It might be safe to add at this juncture that that ‘offer’ has been tabled before, with a look that most people who have been offered the same gig might or might not feel the need to cart one ‘offee’ to a place where a ‘safe, sterile, padded room, straight jacket an option’ might be de rigueur, but hey, ‘fugue’ is the word of the moment – learn it – especially its Latin persuasion.

TGIF

I get a two day grace period – a visit to ‘A Church’ is required – ‘Gospel according to Sod’ will have to find another sodding puppet to string in its wake (I do crack myself up endlessly)!

AOB:

AAE: 'Anal About English' jaunts: What would you call a person who murders another person for murdering language?
Whatever it is, I am it!

Phrase of the day: .... The Precedessors that came before me! - as opposed to??

Lookup (Literally): Decimal.Incentive.Latin

Adap[s]tation

Def:

Any alteration in the structure or function of an organism or any of its parts that results from natural selection and by which the organism becomes better fitted to survive and multiply in its environment.

Another year is over (No S* Sherlock?) and all I can show for it is not what I thought I would show for it this time last year. I have tried to adapt to a lot of different situations that seem to arise with an uncanny frequency, much to my chagrin (and grins too). I still jaywalk around with an amused look on my face because, like I always say, humans are a comic relief all by themselves just by being .. well .. beings.

I have much to adapt to this coming year - (including but not limited to):

- Proscribe people that do not necessarily fit in with the metamorphosis

- Accept: - that he is gone for good - but not in my heart, mind, memories, emotions, love, prayers. We had just been lent him for a short while to teach us - me - that not everything is forever.

Some say it wasn't worth the things we went through
I say it wasn't worth losing you
I hope you know how much you changed my life
Some day you will see
If only through heaven's eyes

You taught me how it really feels to lose someone, how it hurts, how there is no reset button, no do-over, no sorry, no excuse me, no second chance, no 'my bad' - that gone is gone. I am really sorry and I will love you till we meet again - and then we will have our forever.

On a lighter note, Cutinator turned two, and decided that "I will be right back" is his way of telling you that he needs 'his space' - damnation, he is only two! Oh, and he says 'Thank You' when you hand him something. Tihi. I appreciate him a lot more now than before, after the fact.

My relationship with a lot of people has gone to the dogs, but my relationship with God has taken precedent over everything else. I am learning humility and gratitude in a new level - clear eyed and minded. I am also learning to say 'F* You' - tihi - Who said that I couldn't swear? Eh? Not as cute as I seem! :D.

I am loved by a very special cadre of people, and for that I am really grateful - and I love you back. Your motives may not necessarily be kosher (lol), and we may bang heads more than we bang lips, but hey, I never commissioned for the perfection matching band, or non-matching band, or jaywalking band, or any other motion and/or motionless band whatsoever. I do me, and sometimes let [you] - (singular), do me - but ain't no fakery out here in G's Land.

And, I am entering 2010 in the best physical and emotional and spiritual shape I have been in ever. I have never felt healthier, fitter, sexier (ok, a female colleague hitting on me relentlessly kinda makes me wanna erase that last one), happier, content, focused, ready for whatever. Although, having said that, there is something that I am embarking on in a week or so that may or may not need me to invest in an ejection seat - anyone know of any Typhoon I can borrow for a while? - might be needed cos damn, someone is digging, and trust me, the hole will be oh soooo deep they ain't gonna be exhumable any time soon (parachute to jump in (instead of out-of) said hole notwithstanding!) Damn.


Needless to say, A blessed New Year to everyone - big and small (wasn't that one person once?)

Love from the Antarctica - see you on the other side!

Oh, Baby

Sometimes I think I have something to write, then find out that what I had thought to write was not worth the paper (and/or screen) it is printed on. And not forgetting that Brother Outlaw gone done and kilt my laptop DED, well, things aren't looking too hot right now, and that is not in reference to the weather. I keep forgetting to log the shenanigans of one 'Cutified', who at 22 months has become a dashing young man with a mouth full of teeth and a vocabularly that rivals anyone else his age. Today I went over, and on knocking on the door, he came over, and through the glass door called out: Hi baby! LOL - dude, you are the baby!

But, when I am not happily getting up to all sorts, I read. And it is in my passion for reading that I got met by one very cool human. It was inadvertent on my part, seeing I was too busy rushing home to read my 50c copy of 'Smiley's People' (if you do not know about this book, then you do not need to know about it :) ) and this man sidles up to me outside the book store and asks something unintelligible to my almost always two steps ahead brain. My inward reaction was: 'Why do strangers always insist on picking me to accost?' - One person told me sometime back that I should not complain too much cos there will come a time when no one will look at me twice! Bring it on!

I turn and look at him and beg pardon, he chuckles (you should hear him chuckle) and he says something about noticing me inside and wanted to say hello. By now my interest is about a block away, and he starts making conversation, noticing he has already lost me he goes 'Sasa' - LOL I nearly fell over the curbside. My interest hastily crosses the street and decides to come have a second look. I raise my eyebrow (one) to high heaven (the Rock has nothing on me) and ask what made him think I was Kenyan. His answer: Only a Kenyan woman would look as beautiful as you do!

We chitchat a little - me giving him the Spanish inquisition - and find he is not your average garden variety raised on CNN and FOX American human. He did sound quite intelligent, charming, genuine with his answers with no airs or graces. Oh, and while we were looking, he was quite cute - dark hair, hazel eyes (the most beautiful hazel eyes you will ever see), nice 'I work out often' physique, and a nice smile. Oh and who can beat an admixture of Italian and Irish, eh?

We went on our first 'date' the following day - 'just to get to know each other' - cos I did insist that my life is complicated enough without adding any more humans into the mix - and he was like: This is not a date. Liar! Couple of glasses of Champagne and a great conversation later, we found out that we had so much in common it was incredulous. We even graduated in the same year with the same degree two continents apart - loved the same subjects, hated similar ones (although dude does code, ouch) among other things. Since then we literally became inseparable.

It is just weird though cos from the beginning it was like we had known each other for a long time, like great friends with great chemistry. There has never been an awkward silence or moment between us, and the worst part is we will be having a conversation and when something is at the tip of your tongue and you cant really get to it, then we leave it and then sometime later, even in the middle of the night, one of us will wake up and say it, and the other will be like: Yeah, that's it! - like the conversation was still going on.

He made me swim in the Ocean in the Summer (and I did get dunked, twice - not fair! - he laughed so hard that I had to beat him up while he was still trying to rescue my sorry dunked ass), made me crawl into (dark) caves even though he knows I am afraid of the dark (he says that if I live my life in fear, then I will never live at all - true), made me eat Lobster - ok, 'fed' me lobster - I don't care what anyone says, seeing those crustaceans in a display case is enough to make me go on a hunger strike - but they did taste good (shrug). Tried to get me to touch a snake (not gonna happen) - and a lot of other things that are either too trivial or not printable here for obvious reasons!

It is in the way he looks at me - with pride and admiration (he once told me when I was walking towards him that it is because he cannot believe that I am going to him), like today lunchtime I was running an errand and so was he, but we hadn't spoken for a few days and I am 'jaywalking' LOL, my trademark 'the world does not exist', when I happen to turn and there he was, stuck in traffic, looking at me with 'that look' and a huge grin on his face. Needless to say I had to go get my obligatory hug and kiss in the middle of traffic before going back to work: Bliss!

Or the way his signature greeting is: Hi Beautiful. LOL. I ain't vain but damn, I know he means it when he says it!
Or the fact that whenever he say 'hullo' in his Bostonian accent, a shiver runs through my body, however many hundreds of times he has said it to me!
Or how we fit together like we were molded for each other. Some people are born, others are made. I know what mold I come from.
Or how those hazel eyes flicker from whatever he is concentrating on to me and back before you can say: Eagle eyes! I will be looking at him while he is sleeping, and he can sense it, so he will open his eyes, give me a quick look, chuckle, and go right back to sleep.
Or when he gets me water: I know that sounds trivial but when someone gets up at night to get you a glass of water, or first thing in the morning before making you breakfast - that has got to mean something. Oh and while we are at it, I get told that G, when someone says 'breakfast in bed' they mean you need to stay in bed. LOL

He has changed my perspective on a lot of things that I never even thought about or thought were important. He definitely has restored my faith in the 'good man' perspective because whatever I do, however stubborn or sometimes selfish I become, whenever I am performing below par when it comes to our relationship or life in general, he never wavers in his love and support, even when he says he needs to take a few days off to sort his view, he still takes time to call and check on me.

Wherever this goes, it will go down as one of the relationships that shaped the rest of my life.

I Love You Baby
Thank You for making me strive to be a better person

EEVa

I do not need to deal with 700yrs of 'human garbage' to get to my 'Prince[ss]' - but the fact so much does mirror the fiction.

Earth [Pointing]
This is 'Home'